I hated myself forever. Really my whole life I've always felt worthless and a failure. I realized through reading that I was suffering from emotional/physical abuse stemming from childhood. My self esteem was crushed never to return. It was a hard pill to swallow. Someone once said "alcoholics are ego maniacs with low self esteem." That's me. I could tell you how to solve all world problems but couldn't get through my own day without drinking or drugging.
After reading about EA I realized I'd become a victim and was living accordingly. Always pointing the finger, people pleasing, then resenting,anger and depression/suicidal thoughts. Really mixed up. I also realized after reading up on EA that I was committing this heinous crime myself by drinking and getting wasted in front of my young daughter. It broke my heart. Now I was looking at myself and I was hurting this innocent child whom I love. With nothing left and no more excuses or fight in me I knew had to change and change everything.
I felt that in my heart I must learn to love myself if I was ever going to have a chance. I listened to a talk given by a buddist monk in Tibet and he said, "I have taken refuge in the Mai Maitreya, the love of self and through this have come to know compassion and love for all living things. For only through loving ourselves can we come to know god and true happiness arises." I wanted that! I wanted to take refuge in the Mai Maitreya. I wanted to love myself. I looked deep into my heart and asked myself who I really was. Was I a piece of self center s*** by nature? or was I a kind and compassionate man who could feel true sorrow and empathy for all who suffered and for all living things. The answer that came to me through the fog was that I was in fact a good person with much love in my heart, and I was courageous and had to start living that reality. That was god in my tiny mind. Since then I have taken steps toward the Mai Maitreya everyday. I pray and meditate, reciting mantras and singing Ohm....I ask for god to enter my life and guide me. I study up on eastern spiritual beliefs. Everyday. I talk less and listen more. I don't let that demon voice in my mind get the upper hand. I recite specific prayer to remove this voice. Everyday. I exercise and try to eat healthy to take care of myself. Everyday. I feed my spiritual energy without embarrassment or shame. I have given myself over to god, the supreme being.
I quit drinking and asked for help.
I've had a spiritual awakening.
I have taken refuge in the Mai Maitreya.