sounds like you dont like yourself very much and are just running in any direction you can from yourself then trying to numb this feeling with booze etc...
try and love yourself a bit meetings are a good start in taking care of yourself etc.. its a good time to focus on yourself in early sobriety and it can be a nice change of pace.
the path your on seems kinda destructive and i'm sure you a good person and dont need to be so self destructive etc... maybe you dont see you as a good person?
I hope you can find some sober time. and try not to feel so bad many of us where pretty self destructive at one time as well. For me it was like my subconsious secretly wanted me to die a slow and miserable death by substance abuse induced suicide or something. Its like i was out to sabatoge anthing good about my life *sigh*. the moment i quit drinking tho that started to stop in time I was able to turn the tide etc...