When Will It Be Enough?

Old 05-31-2016, 03:23 PM
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When Will It Be Enough?

Hi, I just don't know what to do anymore. Feel like I'm living this secret life that just nobody knows about and I don't know what I would do if the people around me did find out. I have done so many stupid things the past couple of weeks when drinking. I know I have a problem. It's not I don't. But no matter how much I try to stop drinking I continue to do so. I get very anxious at nights and just don't know how to deal with it. I've overdrafted my bank account twice in 1 week. I pawned jewelry just to get more money and blew it in less than 2 days. I've done lots of dangerous, stupid things. Going up on the parkway alone at 3 in the morning, falling down the embankment part way in poison ivy. If I had fell farther I probably wouldn't have been found for days. And last night going home with some random guy. So much shame which just compounds the problem. Don't know what to do at this point. It's just like how many more stupid things do I need to do until it makes me stop? Can I stop on my own? Or am I going to have let everyone around me find out all my secrets and go to an outpatient or inpatient program? Tried to go to AA meetings but can't bring myself to walk in due to anxiety around people. Just so lost and defeated. Any suggestions appreciated. Thanks for listening.
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Old 05-31-2016, 03:56 PM
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Welcome back tigressa. Trying to hold it all in and get sober on your own is extremely difficult. You don't have to announce it to the world, but you do need to be honest. And in reality, people know even though we think we are hiding it.

So what's in a private hell or finding a group of people just like you that get it and want to help..?
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Old 05-31-2016, 04:03 PM
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Hi there

Hey tigressa

I've just read your post and I've done a lot of the things you have
And I can certainly understand your pain
I've been sober for a while
I am of the belief that any help you can get will be of benefit ie doctor or detox or counselling or aa or a mix of any and all of the above
If you have had enough and want to change you are in a good place to start

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Old 05-31-2016, 04:14 PM
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If you search for posts here (or in the newcommers forum) that have titles with the words "my first AA meeting". You will get an idea of what others have experienced when they went. What I have found is that a vast majority of people find their experience of a first meeting to be VERY positive. Yes many were very frightened to go at first, but that fear vanished by the time the meeting ended, and they were already looking forward to their next meeting.

You don't need to say anything. You can walk out at anytime. I would suggest you tell people it is your first meeting however. If you do you'll have nearly the entire group pulling for you. We have all had to face the fear of a first meeting.

We do understand.
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Old 05-31-2016, 04:23 PM
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I can relate to the fear around going to an AA meeting. If my sobriety depended on me getting to a meeting on my own I would be dead long ago. No way could I have done it. And you don't have to either.

What I did, having realised that perhaps AA was the only way out of the misery I was in, was to phone AA. I said "I think I have a drinking problem" (hahaha talk about minimise!) they asked if I would like to see someone. They may have suggested a meeting, I can't remember but if they had I would have said no. Instead they took my number and a man called a few minutes later and we arranged to meet one on one. He became my first friend in AA. If I was female of course a woman would have called back.

We spent an afternoon together sharing experiences, and I learned about alcoholism, and the AA solution. My new friend took me to a meeting that night and stuck with me for the next few weeks until I found my feet.

There were a lot of advantages to this introduction to AA which I won't go into now. Suffice it to say it saved my life.
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Old 05-31-2016, 05:03 PM
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I can really relate to the shame in living a double life. I did it too, for years. I finally got over my hangups about going to AA and went to a meeting. Today I have 46 days sober. I have quit so many times on my own due to my hating the double life, but I credit AA with my perseverance this time. Without the help of others I would not have so many days sober.
Please think about going to aa - you can stop loving this double life. Take it from me, I feel so much healthier than I did 2 months ago and it gets better every day.
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Old 05-31-2016, 05:03 PM
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People love to gossip about others who are "suffering", so your secret might not be as secret as you think.

In your post I heard you say you know you have a problem and that you've tried to stop....I didn't hear that you wanted to stop. You have to want it like nothing you've wanted before. And going by your recent history, it would be a good idea. This site a good start. Post every day, ask for advice, create friendships with people here. I wish you the best.
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Old 05-31-2016, 06:03 PM
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Thank you everyone for the responses. It helps to know I'm not alone. I might try calling an AA number tomorrow to see if maybe someone could go with me that first time. And yeah, I know you all are right, family around me know something is up. And yes, people love to gossip, the people at work already know because I trusted the wrong person. I want to stop. It's just if I'm doing this badly with my crutch, what happens without my crutch? My therapist I see now wants me to go into day treatment. Have other mental problems such as depression. But if I do that then my friend will know I'm not doing as well as they think I am and then they will get angry and not want me in their life. That's why I'm trying to figure out a way to do this on my own without anyone finding out.
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Old 05-31-2016, 06:06 PM
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Congrats Kitty on 46 days. Proud of you.
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Old 05-31-2016, 06:11 PM
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sounds like you dont like yourself very much and are just running in any direction you can from yourself then trying to numb this feeling with booze etc...

try and love yourself a bit meetings are a good start in taking care of yourself etc.. its a good time to focus on yourself in early sobriety and it can be a nice change of pace.

the path your on seems kinda destructive and i'm sure you a good person and dont need to be so self destructive etc... maybe you dont see you as a good person?

I hope you can find some sober time. and try not to feel so bad many of us where pretty self destructive at one time as well. For me it was like my subconsious secretly wanted me to die a slow and miserable death by substance abuse induced suicide or something. Its like i was out to sabatoge anthing good about my life *sigh*. the moment i quit drinking tho that started to stop in time I was able to turn the tide etc...
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Old 05-31-2016, 06:57 PM
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Hello Tigressa, we alcoholics very much live double lives. The AA method is spiritual based, and works in any language any faith and even for total non-believers and outright angry and defiant diehard scientific atheists, converts, retrogrades, messiahs, sinners, atmanbrahmans, aroma vibes specialists, communists, liberals and all points in between. So don't let any god talk scare you away, they are refering to their own personal concept of 'god' to which we are all in varying stages of coming to terms. Each finds his own way to heal that split between who we are and who we pretend to be in their own way and pace, with their own creator. With the company of other once deeply unhappy drinkers who are inching their way back from shame, depression, crime, wreckage, heartache, futility and exasperation, to life, peace, wonder and meaning, new power and deep purpose and appetite for a entirely new way of thinking and living that has so many happy mysteries, it soon becomes a world of adventure of the most coolest kind.

I found i had to be beaten enough of trials by my own resources, to be willing to say 'alright i'll try it'. Oh. The method is NOT comprised of "going to meetings", that is just part of the phenomenon, and a great help for us social derelicts lol!

Those founders of AA emphasized over and over we will absolutely need to see for ourselves that we have been quite unable to stop the destructive boozing in any other way before we will be willing to try the AA method with the degree of desperation required for it to take real permanent and revolutionary effect, sufficient to overcome alcoholism.

So if you think your counselor has a better plan for you, just try not to confuse the two maybe? Can I advise you bring $10 and buy a copy of AAs big book to bring home, and see for yourself what it means to you? You'll get a better idea of what they talk around at meetings, which vary as each group does its own thing.

Absolutely agree we face a ton of fears sobering up but once in the water gets more and more refreshing. Alcoholism is a merciless obsession and a downward spiral to torment and death. There is no cure. None. It is a progressive fatal malady characterized by total loss of control over the amount once started and inexplicably being unable at certain times to prevent ourselves from starting. Over any considerable period it gets worse and never better. We reach a point where the most powerful desire to stop ourselves is of absolutely no avail.

Aw shucks nonsense, i said. Watch me. Heck i can quit next week before it gets real out of hand. Lol, girlfriend, the blackouts are amusing till the bill comes due. And it does come due. Barleycorn gives nothing, absolutely nothing, away free.

I would type all night. Sigh there's no room for all my thoughts and senses on here, sorry. Talking to you e-strangers is an experiment for me. And now i'm being chastised for neglecting the real humans by for now!
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Old 06-04-2016, 08:56 AM
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How's it going Tigressa? Did you call AA?

Last night I went to an AA women's meeting by myself and afterwards went out for dinner with some from the meeting. We had a good time and even continued the fun after dinner with ice cream.
It was a bit scary to do not knowing anybody but I made some new friends and enjoyed myself. A much better evening than sitting at home alone. I laughed and felt a part of a group for a little bit.
Take a risk and go to a meeting if you haven't yet. I am 50 days sober today and still counting my lucky stars to have my double (or triple) life days behind me. It can still sting (for example, yesterday someone mentioned something to me I have no recollection of - something he apparently showed me on his phone in my last blackout) but I didn't let the reminder of it drag me down. That was the old me. And the only reason I can be confident of that is because of my recovery.

Hugs, you are not alone.
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Old 06-04-2016, 11:57 AM
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How are you today Tigressa?
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Old 06-04-2016, 01:01 PM
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Please try again with the meetings. I know what you mean about anxiety around people, but once I got in a meeting (finally ) I realised that it was like coming home. They'd felt like I felt, they'd done the same kind of stuff I'd done (there's nothing I your list I've not heard shared in a meeting, honest ) and they'd got better and we're willing and able to help me to get better as well.

If it helps you can call the hotline (I emailed actually ) and they can get a local AAer to contact you and talk about a meeting first. They'll often offer to meet in a public place before the meeting so you can go in together the first time.

There's a lot of love in the rooms. And you might not feel like you deserve it at the moment, but you really truly do. We can and do get better. If we're willing to let people help us and to change the way we do things and think about things.

Take care. Love and luck to you. BB x
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Old 06-05-2016, 08:16 AM
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Were here for ya tigressa. You have want this. You have to put aside your fears and seek out sobriety. Get it anyway you can.
I hope all is well with you.
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