Hey Mama, glad you posted. I was thinking about you and your kids.
There is a way out of this. It does NOT go through him. He is not going to suddenly become a reasonable, rational, caring human being, he is not going to have an epiphany or see the light or any of that. His primary interest is in maintaining the staus quo because it gets all of his needs met and protects his addiction at the expense of you and the kids. May I gently suggest that you not try to talk to him about this anymore. There is a reason that lawyers and judges handle divorces rather than two people divorcing. As far as his son goes, you're not obligated to have a conversation if you don't want to. Your husband knows where all your buttons are located, and the kids are a big one.
No one can guarantee an outcome, and I know that fear of the unknown is a big sticking point, all those terrifying "what-if" worst-case scenarios that start swirling through your brain. But your fears don't guarantee the outcome either. No fault divorce laws don't automatically make someone a fit parent or suitable candidate for shared custody. I think you have a lot more grounds than you realize to push for sole custody and some form of supervised visitation or sobriety monitoring. Like I said in the other thread, just because a substance is legal doesn't mean it's safe for someone under the influence to care for children and the courts do recognize that.
Have you spoken to your local domestic violence organization about counseling or legal support? You and your children are in an abusive situation, which is a big reason that you are so afraid and confused. Just because he isn't hitting you with his fists doesn't mean that the abuse isn't real or isn't happening.
You don't have to do everything right now. You don't even have to do anything. But some baby steps (not necessarily legal action, but the DV counseling) will help you slowly take back your power and build your courage to the point where you feel ready to take action. This needs to go at your pace, without any pushing from the outside (so tell me to take a hike if you want, lol, I won't mind).
If you haven't read it, Lundy Bancroft's book: Why Does He Do That, Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men was a very enlightening read for me as I was sorting through the wreckage of my relationship and fighting the resulting custody battle.
Sending a giant hug to you and your boys. You are a great mom in a really terrible situation. You're stuck, but you're not trapped, and we're here to help and support you in whatever way you need.
