Update #2

Old 05-25-2016, 03:24 PM
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Update #2

This afternoon I told my husband I want a divorce. I told him I'm tired of all the lies and manipulation and abuse not only emotional but financial. He said "it's so hard being me.... you have no idea what it's like to live in my head" "I'm afraid of living"...does he have any idea how much of a manipulator he is? The poor me routine?
He says he isn't leaving because he is not leaving his real estate and not leaving his children. Why she he have to leave? That's how he thinks. He doesn't care what's best for the children. Now he involved my step son by telling him I want a divorce. Step son says he wants to talk to me about his dad and me. Step son wants me to go to marriage counseling
Says he feels sorry for his Dad and that he will be alone and have to start over. It's too bad my husband would involve his son in his issues.
IF he isn't willing to separate then it looks like I will have to leave. He said he won't sign any divorce papers and will drag it out as long as possible.
I'm afraid he will get 50/50 custody. In my state it's No Fault when it comes to divorce. I just have to keep praying God will be there and my prayers will be answered
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Old 05-25-2016, 04:20 PM
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mama...

Stay the course. Do what is right for both you and the boys. And most importantly, don't fall for any of his bullsh!t.
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Old 05-25-2016, 04:51 PM
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Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post
mama...

Stay the course. Do what is right for both you and the boys. And most importantly, don't fall for any of his bullsh!t.

Okay....I'm crumbling a bit but trying to stay focused on the reasons I'm doing this.
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Old 05-25-2016, 05:38 PM
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Hey Mama, glad you posted. I was thinking about you and your kids.
There is a way out of this. It does NOT go through him. He is not going to suddenly become a reasonable, rational, caring human being, he is not going to have an epiphany or see the light or any of that. His primary interest is in maintaining the staus quo because it gets all of his needs met and protects his addiction at the expense of you and the kids. May I gently suggest that you not try to talk to him about this anymore. There is a reason that lawyers and judges handle divorces rather than two people divorcing. As far as his son goes, you're not obligated to have a conversation if you don't want to. Your husband knows where all your buttons are located, and the kids are a big one.
No one can guarantee an outcome, and I know that fear of the unknown is a big sticking point, all those terrifying "what-if" worst-case scenarios that start swirling through your brain. But your fears don't guarantee the outcome either. No fault divorce laws don't automatically make someone a fit parent or suitable candidate for shared custody. I think you have a lot more grounds than you realize to push for sole custody and some form of supervised visitation or sobriety monitoring. Like I said in the other thread, just because a substance is legal doesn't mean it's safe for someone under the influence to care for children and the courts do recognize that.
Have you spoken to your local domestic violence organization about counseling or legal support? You and your children are in an abusive situation, which is a big reason that you are so afraid and confused. Just because he isn't hitting you with his fists doesn't mean that the abuse isn't real or isn't happening.
You don't have to do everything right now. You don't even have to do anything. But some baby steps (not necessarily legal action, but the DV counseling) will help you slowly take back your power and build your courage to the point where you feel ready to take action. This needs to go at your pace, without any pushing from the outside (so tell me to take a hike if you want, lol, I won't mind).
If you haven't read it, Lundy Bancroft's book: Why Does He Do That, Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men was a very enlightening read for me as I was sorting through the wreckage of my relationship and fighting the resulting custody battle.
Sending a giant hug to you and your boys. You are a great mom in a really terrible situation. You're stuck, but you're not trapped, and we're here to help and support you in whatever way you need.
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Old 05-25-2016, 05:47 PM
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I'm so sorry he's doing this to you.

My husband pulled something similar. When I left, after years of putting up with his addiction and insane behavior, he told the kids I didn't love him anymore. He said if they prayed really hard Mommy and Daddy would get back together. I had filed a restraining order, and he filed a totally bogus one against me as retaliation. But he violated mine repeatedly, telling me he loved me so much and would do anything to make this right. It was so twisted. I had filed for full custody, so he filed for full custody- but even in his custody declaration he said I was a good mom and he was hoping we could work things out. Then he pulled out the big guns- a postnuptial agreement. He paid $800 for a document saying he wouldn't do this or that ever again. So I believed him- sort of. I think I was mostly just exhausted from trying to defend myself against all of his crazy accusations, and like you, I was terrified of 50/50 custody. I'd always told myself my kids were better off with me around than with us being separated, without me there to protect them. So I went back...

...and found out he was worse off than ever. He broke every promise in that postnup, and then some.

It kills me, because looking back, I see that I was really holding all the cards. Though his restraining order was granted, I could have easily shown how crazy he was and that it was really me who needed protection. I would have gotten everything I asked for.

Now I just don't know. I mean, I went back. What does that say? I'm still trying for sole legal and sole physical, but I think I really jeopardized my case.

If I had followed my gut, I know I would have never gone back. Don't let fear do the same to you.

Best of luck.
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Old 05-25-2016, 07:00 PM
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler View Post
Hey Mama, glad you posted. I was thinking about you and your kids.
There is a way out of this. It does NOT go through him. He is not going to suddenly become a reasonable, rational, caring human being, he is not going to have an epiphany or see the light or any of that. His primary interest is in maintaining the staus quo because it gets all of his needs met and protects his addiction at the expense of you and the kids. May I gently suggest that you not try to talk to him about this anymore. There is a reason that lawyers and judges handle divorces rather than two people divorcing. As far as his son goes, you're not obligated to have a conversation if you don't want to. Your husband knows where all your buttons are located, and the kids are a big one.
No one can guarantee an outcome, and I know that fear of the unknown is a big sticking point, all those terrifying "what-if" worst-case scenarios that start swirling through your brain. But your fears don't guarantee the outcome either. No fault divorce laws don't automatically make someone a fit parent or suitable candidate for shared custody. I think you have a lot more grounds than you realize to push for sole custody and some form of supervised visitation or sobriety monitoring. Like I said in the other thread, just because a substance is legal doesn't mean it's safe for someone under the influence to care for children and the courts do recognize that.
Have you spoken to your local domestic violence organization about counseling or legal support? You and your children are in an abusive situation, which is a big reason that you are so afraid and confused. Just because he isn't hitting you with his fists doesn't mean that the abuse isn't real or isn't happening.
You don't have to do everything right now. You don't even have to do anything. But some baby steps (not necessarily legal action, but the DV counseling) will help you slowly take back your power and build your courage to the point where you feel ready to take action. This needs to go at your pace, without any pushing from the outside (so tell me to take a hike if you want, lol, I won't mind).
If you haven't read it, Lundy Bancroft's book: Why Does He Do That, Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men was a very enlightening read for me as I was sorting through the wreckage of my relationship and fighting the resulting custody battle.
Sending a giant hug to you and your boys. You are a great mom in a really terrible situation. You're stuck, but you're not trapped, and we're here to help and support you in whatever way you need.
I cannot thank you enough for your wisdom. I feel so alone and scared. I continue to tell myself with each moment of feeling awful that it will pass and keep hanging on. I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic and sometimes feeling like i might die.
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Old 05-25-2016, 07:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Hechosedrugs View Post
I'm so sorry he's doing this to you.

My husband pulled something similar. When I left, after years of putting up with his addiction and insane behavior, he told the kids I didn't love him anymore. He said if they prayed really hard Mommy and Daddy would get back together. I had filed a restraining order, and he filed a totally bogus one against me as retaliation. But he violated mine repeatedly, telling me he loved me so much and would do anything to make this right. It was so twisted. I had filed for full custody, so he filed for full custody- but even in his custody declaration he said I was a good mom and he was hoping we could work things out. Then he pulled out the big guns- a postnuptial agreement. He paid $800 for a document saying he wouldn't do this or that ever again. So I believed him- sort of. I think I was mostly just exhausted from trying to defend myself against all of his crazy accusations, and like you, I was terrified of 50/50 custody. I'd always told myself my kids were better off with me around than with us being separated, without me there to protect them. So I went back...

...and found out he was worse off than ever. He broke every promise in that postnup, and then some.

It kills me, because looking back, I see that I was really holding all the cards. Though his restraining order was granted, I could have easily shown how crazy he was and that it was really me who needed protection. I would have gotten everything I asked for.

Now I just don't know. I mean, I went back. What does that say? I'm still trying for sole legal and sole physical, but I think I really jeopardized my case.

If I had followed my gut, I know I would have never gone back. Don't let fear do the same to you.

Best of luck.
I don't understand why they (mine and yours) can't go peacefully. Why do they act this way? Why do they want to be with us if they treat us so poorly? I'm so sorry for your situation.
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Old 05-25-2016, 07:21 PM
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Mama, listen to what Ladyscribbler said:

"His primary interest is in maintaining the staus quo because it gets all of his needs met and protects his addiction at the expense of you and the kids."

It is exactly this, and nothing else. I see now that my STBX wasn't really afraid of losing me- he was afraid of losing his lifestyle. He knew that random drug tests were coming his way, and he didn't want that! He also knew child support would be considerably more if I got full custody. That's drug money- he needs that! And I think, more than anything, I was a really good chump. He knew it could take time to find someone as naive as me, and even though I'm sure he had a backup supply lined up already, they hadn't been thoroughly vetted yet. He was still testing the limits of what they'd put up with.

Please be strong, Mama. My prayers are with you.
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Old 05-25-2016, 07:53 PM
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Do what is right for you and the kids. Hang tough and tae care of yourself.
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Old 05-26-2016, 06:47 AM
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I can only say that I second everything ladyscribbler said.

Tight hugs to you momma.
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Old 05-26-2016, 07:01 AM
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I can't stop crying. I'm a freaking mess this morning. I didn't think it would hurt this bad
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Old 05-26-2016, 07:12 AM
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Just remember, it is grief. Losing your marriage hurts. You grieve it just like a death. It's ok to cry, and it's ok to feel hurt.
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Old 05-26-2016, 07:37 AM
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(((mama)))
Take care of you today. Have a good, cleansing cry then be extra gentle with yourself. You deserve kindness and care.

And I don't know how wise I feel. More like someone who kept touching a hot stove to check if it will really burn me again, because THIS TIME it was supposed to be different. The stove kept promising not to burn me, but that red-hot burner never kept the promise.
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Old 05-26-2016, 12:13 PM
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Mama, talk to a lawyer and maybe a women's crisis centre and find out what your rights are.

No matter what, take care of yourself and your children. We really care about you.

Hugs
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Old 05-26-2016, 12:23 PM
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Originally Posted by mamaof3boyz View Post
Okay....I'm crumbling a bit but trying to stay focused on the reasons I'm doing this.
i hope one of the reasons is becuase you decided to start loving yourself.
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Old 05-26-2016, 01:25 PM
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Why do they want to be with us if they treat us so poorly?

they don't "want to be with us" in the same manner of thinking as YOU possess........they see a super handy target to take out all their angst upon.....someone they can belittle and berate WHO LETS THEM....they are rulers of a very small fiefdom.....and if they let the serfs LEAVE, then that indicates they are no longer powerful and strong and in control.....shine the light too close and you start to see chinks in the armor.

and often because they are just jackwads.............
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Old 05-27-2016, 07:46 AM
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
i hope one of the reasons is becuase you decided to start loving yourself.
Good point....my reason is for my kids but you are so right, I can say to myself I deserve better...but do I really believe it? Probably not. Thank you for this eye opening comment.
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Old 07-02-2016, 04:21 PM
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I am so sorry you are going through such heartache and I know when kids are involved how torn you can feel. I am going through a similar situation. My husband and I have two small children together. I always had that "something is off with him" feeling and ignored all of the signs in order to keep the peace and our children happy. But it all came to a hault one night when he just didn't come home from work because he went on a binge. I knew this wasn't a one time thing...after all he's an addict and they don't just "occasionally" use. So that was my out...in the middle of the night when he was "missing" I packed up some things for the kids and I and moved in with my parents. Not the best thing for a 35 year old but for me it was a safe place where my kids would be loved and cared for. Its been 3 months that I have been gone and in that time he has been relentless with me and playing the woe is me card every single day. It's EXHAUSTING!! Everything is about him and how lonely he is. He cries, pleads with me, yells at me, tries to make me feel crazy. I'm a hamster on a wheel and I want OUT! I've been holding off on a divorce because I'm scared he's going to loose it and harm himself. But I have to get to a point where I can stop putting my life on hold. How are you doing with things? Have you made any moves to distance yourself? Just wanted you to know you are not alone and I can understand how painful this is.
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Old 07-10-2016, 08:27 AM
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mama you sound like an incredibly strong person. I am so sorry to hear what you and your kids are going through. I don't have much else to add to what everyone else has said - keep coming back and don't be afraid to ask for help and talk to friends and family as much as you need. You and your kids are important and people love and care about you. You have the strength to get through this, and you can and will meet any challenge he throws at you. Stay strong and remember why you're doing this - you're on your way to making a better life for your children and for yourself. Big hugs xx
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Old 07-10-2016, 08:38 AM
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MO3B,
It has been a lil bit since you first posted this, how are you and how are things going ?

Hugs
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