LadyBlue0527

Day 120, congratulations! Good to see that number.

Apologies, I wrote the post on the fly. Here's clarification,

Half hearted attempts constitute all the times I woke up with a raging hangover on a weekend morning and swore off alcohol forever. Then, as the week progressed and Friday came near that resolve quickly wore off. Never even gave myself a chance. Tons of those, way too many to count.

Hearted attempts constitutes when I made it 30 days or more. There were a few of these. Rode the crave wave, had the urge but didn't pick up. Although I felt serious about the effort, I knew I was really just punishing myself for a while until I "learned a lesson". Even though I had no setpoint in mind where I would pick up again the thought that it was forever wasn't really the goal. It was to prove that I could go without drinking for a while. Because, if I could do that, then perhaps I really didn't have a problem with alcohol. Sound familiar?

Then came the first, true, whole hearted attempt. That was my last time through. That was it, I was done. I made it 17 months and then I let my resolve go because I had stopped working the program that I was using and walked away from here. One of the biggest mistakes in my life. I made it 19 months out until one fateful day almost three weeks ago.

So, I'll retract that this time is an attempt. I am no longer attempting, I am doing. Right now I am court ordered but that doesn't even matter. What happened will never allow me to be complacent again. The circumstances proved to me that it's no longer about how I feel when I'm drinking and try to gauge how present my mind is. I went into a blackout after having a few drinks. I've had blackouts before but when I woke up in the morning realizing it there was no denial as to why I did. I knew how much I had to drink and it made sense that I blacked out. It didn't happen all the time but when it did, it was understandable why. This time, no. I actually had not even drank the last time in over a week prior. How could a few drinks throw a person into a blackout? Then I realized, my body has come to the point where it can't process alcohol. I am not in control, the alcohol is and it can strike and without warning, That's scary stuff. What happened because of it is even scarier.

So, the choice has been removed and I can no longer deny that alcohol use is not all about my ability to consciously make decisions. There will never be a safe amount of alcohol for me to drink. Ever. This is it. the end of the road. I find great comfort in that.

This is a progressive disease/problem. It never gets better, only worse. It's proven time and time again. All you have to do is read the posts on this board. The question then becomes what it takes for someone in order to get to the point of realizing that alcohol has no place in their life, under any circumstances, and hope that the answer to that doesn't have anything to do with death. Thankfully, it didn't for me but the possibility was there.

Rock bottoms themselves have rock bottoms. I'm done. I wish that years ago I had realized this. The words "that will never happen to me" are false now. The best I can do is to turn this horrific experience into something positive by sharing my story in the hopes that I get through. I don't need to do any more research. My drinking problem is never going to get better. Fini.