Welcome.
There is a lot going on in your post - at least to me.
1. Your current perception is that alcohol eases your anxiety.
2. You have observed that its true impact on you is that it changes your personality into something dark.
3. You "rebel" against your husband who doesn't want you to drink anymore - which is an odd choice of words in a relationship between two adults
Sounds like a power struggle?
4. You were taught as a child to hide and to pretend everything is ok instead of acknowledging the truth, however painful.
5. Your mother was (is?) an alcoholic.
That's a lot going on! Big hugs. Please keep posting - and please have some faith in what I am about to tell you - you can't figure any of these problems/issues out while actively drinking, because alcohol distorts reality. Please have faith in this - commit to not drink today, and say that every day to yourself.
I say "faith" because I know when you're actively drinking, you don't know how else anything can feel so you don't know for sure if things can get better.