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Old 05-17-2016, 09:03 AM
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hello

I am a newcomer to this and trying to get sober and make some changes to my life. I drink when I am anxious and I often do not know when to stop. Drinking changes my personality to something very dark. The after affects of a drinking-night are horrendous for me. I rebel against my husband who usually tries to get me to stop. I get away with rationalizing because generally I am a successful person. Alcohol will most likely take everything from me. I am very nervous and ashamed of my status as an alcoholic. My family has a long history of alcoholism, including my mother and we were always taught to hide and pretend that everything was ok.
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Old 05-17-2016, 09:13 AM
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Welcome to SR capellen and thanks for sharing your story. Most of us here have experienced a lot of the same things you have in relation to our addiction, so we understand and "get it". You'll find a lot of resources and support here to help you get sober if that's your goal.

Have you ever attempted to quit before? Did you try any formal type of plan like meetings, rehab or therapy?
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Old 05-17-2016, 09:19 AM
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I am currently in therapy and was doing really well, until I had a bad incident. My husband and I are also in marriage counseling. I have decided to attend AA meetings
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Old 05-17-2016, 09:29 AM
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Welcome.

There is a lot going on in your post - at least to me.

1. Your current perception is that alcohol eases your anxiety.
2. You have observed that its true impact on you is that it changes your personality into something dark.
3. You "rebel" against your husband who doesn't want you to drink anymore - which is an odd choice of words in a relationship between two adults Sounds like a power struggle?
4. You were taught as a child to hide and to pretend everything is ok instead of acknowledging the truth, however painful.
5. Your mother was (is?) an alcoholic.

That's a lot going on! Big hugs. Please keep posting - and please have some faith in what I am about to tell you - you can't figure any of these problems/issues out while actively drinking, because alcohol distorts reality. Please have faith in this - commit to not drink today, and say that every day to yourself.

I say "faith" because I know when you're actively drinking, you don't know how else anything can feel so you don't know for sure if things can get better.
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Old 05-17-2016, 09:58 AM
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Welcome.
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Old 05-17-2016, 09:58 AM
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Thank you for that feedback. Despite some high feelings of shame and guilt, I do believe that I can make some positive changes in my life. I think by first admitting that I have a problem with drinking has helped to set a framework and establish a plan. When I drink I often engage in a power struggle with my husband. My drinking problem is usually dormant, then I have a binge-type night. Usually every three months or so, sometimes less than that. Recently there was a death in my family which besides, the constant grief and loss, has also re-opened some unresolved issues. My husband and I are also having some difficulties, due to my having an affair. I didn't drink when I was having the affair.
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Old 05-17-2016, 10:17 AM
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Originally Posted by capellen24 View Post
I am a newcomer to this and trying to get sober and make some changes to my life. I drink when I am anxious and I often do not know when to stop. Drinking changes my personality to something very dark. The after affects of a drinking-night are horrendous for me. I rebel against my husband who usually tries to get me to stop. I get away with rationalizing because generally I am a successful person. Alcohol will most likely take everything from me. I am very nervous and ashamed of my status as an alcoholic. My family has a long history of alcoholism, including my mother and we were always taught to hide and pretend that everything was ok.
Welcome! I completely relate. The credo of the dysfunctional family "Don't ask, Don't trust, Don't tell".

Drinking has always changed my personality. Pre serious alcoholism I was the party girl, fun, outgoing, flirty. Then I became more and more of those things...which switched to, still fun, but a bit dangerous, no boundaries, shaky values. Then, as it switched from party girl to early alcoholic, unpredictable, emotional, Jekyll/Hyde. Then late alcoholism....isolating, dark, self harming, blackouts, ugliness. Gee what fun!

You see your patterns, you see the future. You can do this!
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Old 05-17-2016, 03:00 PM
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Welcome capellen
You've found a great support community here

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Old 05-17-2016, 03:06 PM
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Nice to meet you
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Old 05-17-2016, 09:49 PM
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I think affairs and unfaithfulness are pretty common behaviour in active alcoholics, whether they are drinking at that moment or not. Drinking is a symptom of our sickness. I heard people talk of alcoholism as a spiritual malady, or an ego run riot, or having an alcoholic perspective. And those things made sense to me. The state of being restless, irritable and discontent led me to do some pretty bizarre seeking for relief. Sometimes that might be in a bar or a bottle. Others it would be more thrill seeking. Others it would be for that elusive thing or person that could make things feel better, and this search could easily turn a little insane.

Of course, I know nothing about your affair. But I do know that when, in the steps of AA, we do our inventories (that we share with our sponsor, not everyone or anyone in the rooms), one of them is the sex / relationship inventory. I've never heard of an alcoholic with nothing on that inventory. I also know that the steps have helped me to stop that insane scrabble for relief that was my life prior to recovery by guiding me as i worked / work on my perspective.

Things / relationships can and do get better if we work on our recoveries (through AA or by other means). Just stopping the drinking still doesn't address our spiritual malady though. We will be left being restless, irritable and discontent if we don't get busy with the business of recovering.
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