I know what its like for your emotions to be like a roller coaster, going up and down and not seeing the light. I have been dealing with that for close to 90 days now. Our circumstances are a little different, but I know how you feel and I can tell you that its hard to fight, but the battle is worth it. I cannot say I am perfect, but am certainly making progress in certain areas. I live in a lot of fear and anxiety over my present circumstances, but I know this too shall pass at some point.
Sometimes, even as hard as it is, we have to do our best to focus on the good things that we have going on in our lives. Amidst all the bad, there is always some good, and that will soon outshine all the negative in our heads.
I am sincerely sorry for your loss. I have a best friend who's mom recently passed away, and I was heart broken by the news. I really loved that woman and she had a big impact in my life, and sadly I didn't realize it until it was too late. May the lost souls of this world rest in paradise, I know I will see her in the Heaven above someday soon.