Disappointed, humiliated and hurt
I'm so mad at myself. I had been doing really well with sobriety and like an idiot decided to "test" myself to prove I could drink moderately yesterday.
I failed miserably. I lost the trust of my husband again, drove intoxicated to get more alcohol and fell down the stairs leaving me with a big black eye and more contusions.
I'm mad at myself. It has been extremely hard for me to accept that I'm an alcoholic, with the stigma and everything else, but I am. And I put others at risk. I got drunk while my husband and young son made a retirement gift for MY dad. Can I be more selfish. My husband works his ass off to provide for our family and I do nothing. I quit work to deal with depression and this. He has been through this so many times before and all I do is self-sabotage.
I don't drink every day or even every other day, never have withdrawals and drink because I'm bored. I'm just disgusted with myself. I went through out-patient twice this year and see an addiction counselor on Thursday. I'm just so angry I keep ruining my chances.
I have to make it stick in my head that I can't drink PERIOD. I need to stop trying to prove it to myself and just accept it. I want it to be over.