Notices

Disappointed, humiliated and hurt

Old 05-04-2016, 11:08 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 394
Disappointed, humiliated and hurt

I'm so mad at myself. I had been doing really well with sobriety and like an idiot decided to "test" myself to prove I could drink moderately yesterday.

I failed miserably. I lost the trust of my husband again, drove intoxicated to get more alcohol and fell down the stairs leaving me with a big black eye and more contusions.

I'm mad at myself. It has been extremely hard for me to accept that I'm an alcoholic, with the stigma and everything else, but I am. And I put others at risk. I got drunk while my husband and young son made a retirement gift for MY dad. Can I be more selfish. My husband works his ass off to provide for our family and I do nothing. I quit work to deal with depression and this. He has been through this so many times before and all I do is self-sabotage.

I don't drink every day or even every other day, never have withdrawals and drink because I'm bored. I'm just disgusted with myself. I went through out-patient twice this year and see an addiction counselor on Thursday. I'm just so angry I keep ruining my chances.

I have to make it stick in my head that I can't drink PERIOD. I need to stop trying to prove it to myself and just accept it. I want it to be over.
Babescake is offline  
Old 05-04-2016, 11:21 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Sobriety is Traditional
 
Coldfusion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,034
Hi Babes!

I found I had to go way outside my comfort zone to kick alcohol. I had to do everything I could think of and then go out and find new ways of doing things because everything I knew of was not enough. I had to do things that my addiction told me I shouldn't do.

Have you tried going to a recovery meeting? How about reading and posting here more? Here's a couple good threads to join:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5937519
Coldfusion is offline  
Old 05-04-2016, 11:23 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
ScottFromWI's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Babescake View Post
I have to make it stick in my head that I can't drink PERIOD. I need to stop trying to prove it to myself and just accept it. I want it to be over.
I think you've hit the nail on the head there. What are you willing to do in order to make this happen?
ScottFromWI is offline  
Old 05-04-2016, 11:27 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Canine Welfare Advocate
 
doggonecarl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,961
Originally Posted by Babescake View Post
It has been extremely hard for me to accept that I'm an alcoholic...
and therefore extremely difficult for you to accept that you can never drink...hence the decision to test the waters of moderation.

Accept you can never, ever, drink. It will make your recovery go that much smoother. Not saying you won't struggle, but perhaps you'll stop relapsing.
doggonecarl is offline  
Old 05-04-2016, 11:32 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Do your best
 
Soberwolf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Having a plan will seriously help

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
Soberwolf is offline  
Old 05-04-2016, 11:51 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Dime's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,243
Don't beat yourself up too bad. The vast majority of us didn't get it on the first try. Unfortunately it took me years to get it and make a serious effort to stay sober. In the mean time I wound up divorced and completely ruined my finances. I found out the hard way that it only gets worse.

As others have suggested having a sober plan and sticking to it really helps to stay on track.

Best of luck to you!
Dime is offline  
Old 05-04-2016, 12:19 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,673
The best advice I ever got was from our moderator, CarolD, may she rest in peace. She said that in order to stay sober you must want to be sober more than you want to drink.
least is offline  
Old 05-04-2016, 12:20 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
madgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 937
Hi - if you aren't working outside the home right now, perhaps doing some volunteer work will help you focus your energy into something positive, something you can feel really good about.

I signed up at www.volunteermatch.org to watch children for parents attending classes on domestic violence, and I will be doing it a few nights a month at the YWCA in my county. I did have to fill out some paper work and go through a background check, and am attending a training class all day on this Saturday, but I think this is a good plan to help rebuild in recovery.

Most of us feel absolutely wretched about ourselves, so maybe doing something objectively good which requires sobriety will help you rebuild your sense of self worth - ? Something to consider!

Last edited by madgirl; 05-04-2016 at 12:23 PM. Reason: fixed the volunteer enrollment website address
madgirl is offline  
Old 05-04-2016, 12:31 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
tomsteve's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"I have to make it stick in my head that I can't drink PERIOD. I need to stop trying to prove it to myself and just accept it. I want it to be over."

it can be over.
to win the war yer gonna have to give up the battle- surrender.
acceptance can help,too.
i would suggest some more action,too- more than just getting it from your head to your heart you cant drink. might be wise to start lookin at the recovery methods available to help you.
tomsteve is offline  
Old 05-04-2016, 01:22 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,330
If you are bored there a million things you can do other than drinking. Volunteering in your community would be a great idea. Get out there, meet new people, give something back and rebuild your self-esteem.

I hope you can find a way to make recovery work for you.
Anna is offline  
Old 05-04-2016, 01:34 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
FreeOwl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I have a suggestion;

THANK YOURSELF!!!



Yes, seriously..... look at yourself in the mirror and say "THANK YOU!!!"

Because that choice you made.... that experiment you ran.... that decision to give it another whirl has definitively proven to you what result you'd get. And will always get (more likely worse).

SO.... give yourself a pat on the back and say thank you. Also, be sure and let yourself know you're convinced now.... you don't need anymore experiments... you have sufficient evidence.

Then, make a new choice. Choose sobriety. And get on with ACTION in that direction.

Sobbing over it, beating yourself up, getting all buried in shame and regret... none of those are actions. None of those will move you in the direction of sobriety. None of those will do anyone any good whatsoever. Those are just a giant pity party and they're a trick to keep you in non-action and that will just escort you right back to the same old cycle again. Is that what you want?

NO. It's not. You just told yourself that, don't be silly.

Now, get to it. Life is short and precious and beautiful and sobriety will reward you with a gazillion clear examples of that beauty. Get to it.
FreeOwl is offline  
Old 05-04-2016, 01:59 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
sg1970's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: SE USA
Posts: 599
Ditto what Tomsteve said about accepting it and surrendering to the fact that you are an alcoholic. When I did it was a huge RELIEF believe it or not. That's where my signature line came from. I actually felt freed and all of the "someday I might figure out a way to drink" thoughts vanished. It truly felt like a huge burden was lifted. The sooner you quit fighting it the better.
sg1970 is offline  
Old 05-04-2016, 03:24 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
teatreeoil007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Do you have any passionate hobbies? Do you love music, art, needle-work, cooking? Do you like the outdoors? Those are all things that helped me many a time get a better 'fix' than putting substances in my body. I also enjoy reading; it gets my mind to a better place usually. Sometimes it's a matter of getting into a better head space. And, helping others is very rewarding. Give volunteering a try. Another thing that can feed our souls is to adopt rescue animals. There are so many that need good homes. Maybe you already have pets, I dunno.
teatreeoil007 is offline  
Old 05-04-2016, 03:32 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Hevyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,416
Babescake - I did the same thing a few times. I never was able to control it, not once. I think sometimes we have to prove it to ourselves that it's not possible to ever be a social drinker. I'm sorry you had this experience, but it sounds like you learned something valuable.
Hevyn is offline  
Old 05-04-2016, 04:59 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 394
I'm sad too because now my husband is talking he wants out of the marriage because this was the last straw. I feel ill with how I've hurt him and the rest of my family.
Babescake is offline  
Old 05-04-2016, 05:06 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
ru12's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
Hi. Look it seems that bad things tend to happen when you drink. So perhaps it would be good to just stop drinking alcohol. You don't have to call yourself an alcoholic to stop drinking. Just stop and don't listen to the reasons your mind invents to start up again.

I just love the fact that I don't drink. I can go anywhere at anytime day or night and not have to worry about if I'm ok to drive. I don't do stupid embarrassing stuff, I don't put people at risk because of my drinking. You ca do this !
ru12 is offline  
Old 05-04-2016, 08:55 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 197
Originally Posted by Babescake View Post
I'm sad too because now my husband is talking he wants out of the marriage because this was the last straw. I feel ill with how I've hurt him and the rest of my family.
I empathize with how you are feeling, and I hope your mistake does not mean the end of your marriage. I have done what you did 1,000 times and know the regret and self-loathing well. As the poster who said look in the mirror and say "Thank You" - as bad as it all seems, it could have been worse. Brush yourself off and remember that you are blessed that your experiment didn't have worse consequences.
lovetolisten is offline  
Old 05-04-2016, 09:12 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
 
Gottalife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I conducted a similar experiement with similar results. Have a couple of beers and be home by 6. Got home at 6 alright, just four days later.

Ok, so I have got the "phenomenon of craving" that occurs with alcoholics and not other drinkers. I now know what the problem is, the research phase is over.

The next thing to look for is a permanent solution. I can never drink safely again, so how am I going to accomplish that. Will I do the alcoholic thing and try and figure out something on my own, or will I swallow my pride and go some place where the road to recovery is well trodden and sign posted.

The ability to learn from someone elses mistakes does not come easy to the alcoholic.
Gottalife is offline  
Old 05-04-2016, 09:12 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,056
I think everyone of us has fallen prey t that thought that maybe we might not be alcoholic anymore.

I call it confusing abstinence for control.
I can be abstinent - but I'll never have control over my alcohol consumption.

At least now you know that too, babescakes

D
Dee74 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:17 AM.