Thank you all. It's been the same story ever since I last posted except I've gotten very physically sick since from the amphetamines. But my husband is I'd finally on board after seeing me almost dead a bunch of times. I'm scared I'll never feel pleasure again. I've been tapering the last few days and tomorrow will be my first day totally clean. I dread the physical illness I know is coming but I dread the apathy and depression that comes afterward more. I'm already crying just scared and depressed. And that's with a little drug still in me.
I've used some dopaminergic drug or other my whole life except for a three year period of sobriety through a 12-step program 2005-2008. But all I found there was abstinence. It didn't work right for me, maybe because I was never able to trust God. He let me down badly through four years of ghee deepest darkest depression I've ever experienced. I have never had anyone in my life I could trust so I don't know how to trust God.
Anyway, I'm trying again, after fifty, at least, previous withdrawals and eventual relapses. I'm scared and so sad and so depressed already and antidepressants don't work anymore. I guess I just need to believe there is life after drugs and that it will be worth living, soon enough that I can stand to wait long enough for it to happen.
Thank you all for being here,
Dagny