samantha14

Hi everyone,

**Just a warning that this post may contain triggers for some people**

My name is Sam and this is my third (and hopefully last) attempt to get sober. I have been on this site since March but I have known that alcohol is a problem for me since around January of 2013. I do not go to AA (I have tried it and may try again) but I do see a psychologist, an addictions counselor and today I added in church as a part of my recovery plan. My most recent relapse was two weeks and three days ago - it lasted exactly two weeks, which brings me to today and three days sober. I have spent a lot of these last few days trying to figure out where I faltered and what I need to do differently this time around in order to be successful, and one of the things that I keep coming back to is something that both of my therapists have told me would be helpful and have expressed a desire for me to do but that I have yet had the confidence or strength to carry out....and that is to write down what it is that I feel has brought me here....I guess in essence to tell my story. I don't know if this is appropriate to post here but my thinking is that I am telling this story to real people without having to look anyone in the eye just yet....maybe a first step....so here goes...

I grew up with my dad (my parents divorced when I was 2) and when I was 12 he died suddenly and tragically. He was an amazing man and we were very close. I was forced to move to another province to live with my mother, who very obviously suffered from a serious and untreated mental illness in which she believed that a "God" told her what we were allowed and not allowed to do. I remember the day of my dads funeral and my little brother and I having to sneak out of a basement window to go because "God" said we were not allowed to attend the service....I also remember another time when we had no electricity or running water for six months because again she was told that these were unneeded extravagances. I finally left home when I was 15 and moved in with my older step sister and her boyfriend. Things quickly turned from bad to worse and without going into too many details this boyfriend began sexually abusing, lasting a little over a year. My sister went on to marry this man even though I had told very early on what was happening. My family would go back and forth from believing me to not believing me based on whether their relationship was on or off at the time. When I had a baby girl at the age of 17 (not related to the abuse) I knew I had to cut off all ties with my family and I did. At this point I buried myself in parenting three small children, going to university and working full-time - I recognize that even then there were times when I used alcohol as a "quick fix" but nothing lasting or damaging. It wasn't until years later that I really started to come undone.....life started to slow down and there was time to think. It started with nightmares, which led to insomnia, which led to panic attacks, which led to re-living that period of my life.....and for all of these things...for a while at least...alcohol fixed it...it fixed me. But it didn't take long for things to spiral out of control.

Today, like I mentioned, I am seeing some professionals...I am trying to take my life back...trying to take my power back. For a while I blamed all of the above circumstances for why I drank, and granted it didn't help the situation. But my drinking is primarily about hurting myself, not helping....it is about creating chaos, not controlling it....it is about keeping those memories, not forgetting. Something has to give...it has to change....and I know now and today that thing is drinking. I am not going to be defined by my past and I am not going to be controlled by alcohol.

Thanks for listening.