JAD,
Wow, I think you just said those five paragraphs in one breath. I am so sorry for the pain you have been going through. Yes, A's put us through hxll, they want us to feel the same pain that they are feeling.
I think you need to step back and take some deep breaths. You are love able, you are kind, you are thoughtful, you are so worthy of a healthy relationship. A's groom us to believe that we are worth nothing, as they feel that way about themselves.
We are not addicts and we can empower ourselves to get our voice back. You can do anything you set yourself out to do. You have come to the right place and we have been where you are. We have rebuilt our lives back up from nothing and so can you.
Hugs my friend, we are here for you!!