Favorite lines

Old 04-29-2016, 05:55 PM
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Favorite lines

I heard it all a million times, over and over. Blame game, excuses, you name it. I wised up. It wasn't me. It wasn't my fight. Nothing I could do, tell, beg, plead or try would ever fix it.

But my favorite line that I can't get out of my head... "Well aren't you so innocent Ms. Perfect".

And that hurts. I did try to be perfect because I thought perfect would fix it. 5 years in and I read a lot, worked on myself (far, far from perfect) but I grew a lot. From 24 to 29 everyone grows a lot. That's maturing, learning, becoming who you are not what everyone wants you to be. Except an alcoholic. Theyre stuck. Stuck in a false reality world where nothing changes day to day. The world is burning around them and it's the same "f$&! It" attitude. Or everything could be going right, it's all the same.

Nobody's perfect but I couldn't do some of the terrible things I went through to someone I loved. I might not be perfect but I tried to be respectful, appreciative, helpful (overly actually) and it went no where. I had to make boundaries and they were tested, daily. I had to remove myself. But then it was me who was cheating, me who didn't give him the love and affection he "needed" to feel supported. But where was my love and affection? My Respect? I was called names and walked all over. Taken advantage of. Dry drunk or active, i always felt the same. Like what I was doing wasn't good enough because I wasnt perfect.

I may not be perfect but at least I've learned. At least I'm aware. At least I want to get better. But what if no one wants someone so broken and damaged? I fear trust and love. I have been "alone" for a long time and that's where I'm comfortable. What if I can't change it? How do I love myself enough but let my guard down when that time comes. It's terrifying. Not that it's something I want for myself NOW or anytime soon. I'm just terrified of the unknown. I am codependent after all.
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Old 04-29-2016, 06:43 PM
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JAD,
Wow, I think you just said those five paragraphs in one breath. I am so sorry for the pain you have been going through. Yes, A's put us through hxll, they want us to feel the same pain that they are feeling.

I think you need to step back and take some deep breaths. You are love able, you are kind, you are thoughtful, you are so worthy of a healthy relationship. A's groom us to believe that we are worth nothing, as they feel that way about themselves.

We are not addicts and we can empower ourselves to get our voice back. You can do anything you set yourself out to do. You have come to the right place and we have been where you are. We have rebuilt our lives back up from nothing and so can you.

Hugs my friend, we are here for you!!
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Old 04-29-2016, 06:55 PM
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Oh Hun-that's what alcoholics DO. If I brought up the latest abuse to discuss, I was screamed at "well, you're not perfect...." and then a list of my sins showing that in fact I wasn't perfect. No sh%t. This line is THE alcoholic mantra abd excuses everything they just did and will do in the future-and takes the focus off of the topic you've brought up to address abd flips it to you to make you feel bad-it's classic bait and switch-and it's abuse. My ex was a master at this.

Listen, you will be ok!! I promise!!

You realize the codependency, you see it, so let's get that figured out. Then you won't make the same mistakes going forward.

Hugs.
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Old 04-29-2016, 07:04 PM
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Holy smokes! Did you get into my head for paragraph #4? That's me! I could have written those same words. I don't know what to say - I'll just send hugs right now. She accused me of having an affair because I wouldn't show her affection. Who wants to be affectionate with a drunk? They are so wrapped up in themselves that they just don't get it.

Peace to you.
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Old 04-29-2016, 07:07 PM
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4RG - your first paragraph nails it for me. She is a master at flipping the conversation around to make me feel like the idiot. I'm on to her though and don't get sucked in like I used to.

COD
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Old 04-29-2016, 08:16 PM
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I never understood why I was immediately accused of cheating. I always chalked it up to maybe they think it's the ONLY "logical" reason we'd want to leave. Or maybe because it's the easiest thing. Who really knows. They just want you to hurt like they hurt, I get that, so I try to ignore it.

And you're completely, 100% right! Who wants to be affectionate, intimate or otherwise with someone that hurts you (or smells like a keg party)??? Maybe our ASOs have the same issues buried deep down in there where no one is allowed to look. They hurt because they weren't good enough or whatever it may be and we tried to prove it to them that they were and agree to everything they want and crawl thru glass to prove our love. Then we wise up. Make boundaries. And in my case, no contact or interaction of alcohol was involved, then we must pay the price. They want their cake and to eat it too I suppose.
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Old 04-29-2016, 08:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Forourgirls View Post
Oh Hun-that's what alcoholics DO. If I brought up the latest abuse to discuss, I was screamed at "well, you're not perfect...." and then a list of my sins showing that in fact I wasn't perfect. No sh%t. This line is THE alcoholic mantra abd excuses everything they just did and will do in the future-and takes the focus off of the topic you've brought up to address abd flips it to you to make you feel bad-it's classic bait and switch-and it's abuse. My ex was a master at this. Listen, you will be ok!! I promise!! You realize the codependency, you see it, so let's get that figured out. Then you won't make the same mistakes going forward. Hugs.
yes!!!! I realized and made it clear I wouldn't be disrespected like that. I shouldn't have mistakes I've made 5, 10 years ago thrown in my face. That's old news! I accepted it and moved on! But they have to have ammunition for the daily battle to always be right.
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Old 04-29-2016, 08:21 PM
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My ex accused me of cheating and being with another guy before the divirce, among other things. I was not with another, but I strongly suspected be already was...it's pure projection and putting blame and their issues onto another to alleviate their guilt. They are mentally ill-end of story, case closed!

While at marriage counseling before divirce e while we were trying to work things out, the moment after I told the counselor why I had called the police on my husband bc of his abuse, my then husband offers up a "you know, she had an abortion almost ten years ago and killed my child-I'm still not over that "...and you know sonething? Counselor bought it hook line and sinker-the abuse and alcoholism were no longer the focus-my exs healing from my choice to have an abortiin were. Yep. Classic bait and switch. Anyway, again, the why is just because they are mentally ill.
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Old 04-30-2016, 01:40 PM
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Btw-my favorite line was "nothing I do is ever good enough for you ". That, along with "you're not so perfect either", are two things I can do without ever hearing again. Yuck.
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Old 04-30-2016, 02:26 PM
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JAD it all stops when you no longer depend on another person's opinion of you to form your own opinion of yourself. Other ppl's opinions are often flawed and when an A is involved, they are merely projecting their self-hatred onto the one closest to them.
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Old 04-30-2016, 06:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Refiner View Post
JAD it all stops when you no longer depend on another person's opinion of you to form your own opinion of yourself. Other ppl's opinions are often flawed and when an A is involved, they are merely projecting their self-hatred onto the one closest to them.
I agree so much. Sadly, the closest gets the brunt of the hurt. I have to remember it's not me, it's not me, it's not me... But after you hear it over and over and over for so long. It wears on you. Erodes your soul.
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Old 04-30-2016, 06:52 PM
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Originally Posted by JustAnotherDay View Post
I agree so much. Sadly, the closest gets the brunt of the hurt. I have to remember it's not me, it's not me, it's not me... But after you hear it over and over and over for so long. It wears on you. Erodes your soul.
Amen to that
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