Favorite lines
I heard it all a million times, over and over. Blame game, excuses, you name it. I wised up. It wasn't me. It wasn't my fight. Nothing I could do, tell, beg, plead or try would ever fix it.
But my favorite line that I can't get out of my head... "Well aren't you so innocent Ms. Perfect".
And that hurts. I did try to be perfect because I thought perfect would fix it. 5 years in and I read a lot, worked on myself (far, far from perfect) but I grew a lot. From 24 to 29 everyone grows a lot. That's maturing, learning, becoming who you are not what everyone wants you to be. Except an alcoholic. Theyre stuck. Stuck in a false reality world where nothing changes day to day. The world is burning around them and it's the same "f$&! It" attitude. Or everything could be going right, it's all the same.
Nobody's perfect but I couldn't do some of the terrible things I went through to someone I loved. I might not be perfect but I tried to be respectful, appreciative, helpful (overly actually) and it went no where. I had to make boundaries and they were tested, daily. I had to remove myself. But then it was me who was cheating, me who didn't give him the love and affection he "needed" to feel supported. But where was my love and affection? My Respect? I was called names and walked all over. Taken advantage of. Dry drunk or active, i always felt the same. Like what I was doing wasn't good enough because I wasnt perfect.
I may not be perfect but at least I've learned. At least I'm aware. At least I want to get better. But what if no one wants someone so broken and damaged? I fear trust and love. I have been "alone" for a long time and that's where I'm comfortable. What if I can't change it? How do I love myself enough but let my guard down when that time comes. It's terrifying. Not that it's something I want for myself NOW or anytime soon. I'm just terrified of the unknown. I am codependent after all.