Thanks bailey!
My feelings come and go in waves. When I was running away, I was in a zombie state. Just had to leave, leave, leave. The other day I was moving furniture, just rearranging and decorating my place, and it took such a long time. Then I remembered that I actually moved out in one day, taking out all the important stuff before 3 pm. It was only me and my screwdriver, How did I do that, I have no idea.
Then after divorce, I was crying every 15 minutes. It almost felt as I was forced to take it, and it was me who filed for it. Then I would cry every day, every week, month, now and then.
Unfortunately, my ex still pops out from his cave from time to time, but it is never me who initiates the contact first. So, I know I will have to move away again and am making plans to move to another town. There is still some mess to clean up, mainly financial stuff as we share one loan. But my goals are 1) not get into any more debt and 2) stay as far as possible away from him. So one plan at a time.