So overwhelmed tonight, but cannot define how I feel

Old 04-27-2016, 07:38 PM
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So overwhelmed tonight, but cannot define how I feel

April 27th last year was the day when I went to the local DV organization. It was Monday, and that weekend was the worst weekend ever. It was when I told my ex that I am planning to move out sometime in July/August. He gave me such a hard time that I actually moved out asap. It was May 18th.

A year later, I am in a great place. My career is back on track, I was able to pay the IRS debt + do not have any this year because I paid everything in full. I am completely independent financially. I have my own place, met the whole neighborhood, exchanged phone numbers with new people. I am aware that I have to take care of myself that I have to rebuild my life. Have not done anything dumb, keeping toxicity and bile out.

Yet tonight, I feel some emptiness. I am thinking of my ex, just feeling really bad for him. I just was not even aware how he was already so deep in alcoholism when I left. And I am glad I did leave, do not get me wrong. But there is this feeling of bitterness, thinking that we could have succeeded if only . . . but he had to be defiant and mean.

They say Lucifer fell because of pride. I think he fell because of defiance. I saw this defiance in my ex . It came straight from hell. It is as if he is possessed just sinking deeper and deeper. Where is the bottom? And why should I care?

It feels so good to share this. Thank you for reading!
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Old 04-27-2016, 07:49 PM
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Big hug to you Healthyagain and so happy to hear what a difference a year can make. I imagine if you would have stayed you would have sunk as deep as he has.

Sometimes I wonder if it is harder to grieve these addicts than death. I certainly don't want to diminish the pain one feels when someone dies; it is just that with addicts the emotions are so complex: guilt, hope, grief, pain, anger. Irk.

When I was going through the grief with my qualifier, I thought of each wave of grief as something that would put me closer to healing as I went through it.

Well my rambling probably doesn't help just wanted to "bear witness" to your pain.

Again big hug!
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Old 04-27-2016, 08:14 PM
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Friend, I know the feeling....I've grappled with those same....we could have made it and been truly happy if only....feelings. You care bc you're a compassionate person. You loved him. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret leaving for a secind, but I still miss my ex. I care about what happens to him and I always wabt to see him at his best and overcome his demons-that hasn't changed, I always wabted that, I did love him and part of me always will I suppose. My exs demise is his pride as well. There were many nights I literally felt like I was looking at the devil-and truly , I was. He was possessed. Pride, defiance-same thing, really....it's following yourself and putting yourself first rather than submitting to your higher power. Thinking you know best only leads to hell and sinful decisions (My two cents as a former prideful person).

I'm glad you posted tonight! It's helpful to get these feelings out. I hope you are feeling better-it's such a messy thing, isn't it.

Peace to you tonight!
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Old 04-27-2016, 08:56 PM
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healthyagain, I loved my ex also. It was so hard to let go of all my imagined dreams, so hard to let go of everything.

When you talk sometimes about the depth of their darkness, I hope and wish that we will never feel this.

I didn't want to expand on anything, but I do think you understand what I am talking about.

Just wanted to give you many (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) tonight.

amy
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Old 04-27-2016, 09:52 PM
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Hugs to you (((healthyagain)))!!!
I'm struggling similarly... I suppose we all do at times. It's hard not to have those what if and if only feelings.
But you're doing great work!
I hope you have a peaceful and renewing sleep tonight. Tomorrow is a new day.
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Old 04-28-2016, 06:27 AM
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I have also moved forward, but that does not keep me from reflecting on the past sometimes. I completely understand.

I am so glad you are doing so well. You have made huge strides in a short amount of time. I hope you are proud of you because you deserve that!
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Old 04-28-2016, 06:59 AM
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Originally Posted by healthyagain View Post

Yet tonight, I feel some emptiness. I am thinking of my ex, just feeling really bad for him. I just was not even aware how he was already so deep in alcoholism when I left. And I am glad I did leave, do not get me wrong. But there is this feeling of bitterness, thinking that we could have succeeded if only . . . but he had to be defiant and mean.
Lots of extra big hugs for you, HA. I've been having similar feelings this week. I am 100% aware that STBXAH's meltdown this week has been total quacking, but it has still triggered sadness and anger for me. I know I can't fix him, or fix his life. I no longer want to do those things, or feel the need to. But I still have a tremendous amount of compassion for his pain and his struggles, and it makes me sad and angry that alcoholism continues to chip away at his life.

I think these are normal feelings, and part of our own recoveries.
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Old 04-28-2016, 07:27 AM
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I wanted to include everyone into a group hug this morning.

Feeling much better. That ugly little codependency voice was whispering to me during the past few days.

Last night, I saw an article on SR main page. And I will share the quote:

"The only healthy way to practice acceptance with an individual in active addiction and avoid enabling is to simply realize there is a problem which is bigger than the individual. It is one only professional help can address. Rather than accepting the individual’s destructive behavior and resulting chaos, refuse to allow either in your life by suggesting professional help and emotionally detaching until that help is received."

This is what I did and am still doing. We divorced because I put my foot down. Sometimes you have to keep reminding yourself you are actually doing the right thing and are not betraying anyone.

And this quote really hit the spot:

"The latter is not a cruel action, nor is it selfish. It is a practice in self-care—setting personal boundaries which protect against dysfunction. Moreover, it is an act of love toward the individual in active addiction because it holds them accountable, attempts to raise them to a higher standard of functioning and ultimately seeks to spur them into healing and recovery."

So, it is like giving them a bitter cough syrup to swallow. It is for their own good. And it is not your fault it is the only effective medicine out there.
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Old 04-28-2016, 02:01 PM
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HA-my pastor told me divorce was a very appropriate boundary in my situation. I agree-it was not meant to be cruel to him, actually it had nothing to do with him! It was all about my self care and the care and health of my children.
It's just like bitter cough syrup...great analogy.

Take care
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Old 04-28-2016, 08:41 PM
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contacting the DV organization takes so much courage and strength. happy to hear about all the progress you have made in 1 year, it gives me a lot of hope. I understand that mix of emotions you are experiencing, it haunts me at times. the important thing is that you didn't let those feelings lead you back into a harmful situation, you've made it a year and thats great!
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Old 04-29-2016, 04:16 AM
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Thanks bailey!

My feelings come and go in waves. When I was running away, I was in a zombie state. Just had to leave, leave, leave. The other day I was moving furniture, just rearranging and decorating my place, and it took such a long time. Then I remembered that I actually moved out in one day, taking out all the important stuff before 3 pm. It was only me and my screwdriver, How did I do that, I have no idea.

Then after divorce, I was crying every 15 minutes. It almost felt as I was forced to take it, and it was me who filed for it. Then I would cry every day, every week, month, now and then.

Unfortunately, my ex still pops out from his cave from time to time, but it is never me who initiates the contact first. So, I know I will have to move away again and am making plans to move to another town. There is still some mess to clean up, mainly financial stuff as we share one loan. But my goals are 1) not get into any more debt and 2) stay as far as possible away from him. So one plan at a time.
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Old 04-29-2016, 06:41 AM
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Hi Healthy,
Even after years away from active alcoholism and addiction, I am seeking therapy for the effects it has had on me. I am married to a recovered alcoholic, have lived with devastating addiction, and grew up in an emotionally disfunctional home.

I didn't even know I was messed up. I just knew that I have always felt something was wrong with me. I was ok sometimes, and sometimes I felt crazy. I always had crazy relationships.

It is painful to dig down and see where all that comes from, but my life is really good now, and I can not fully enjoy and appreciate it. I am self destructive. If I don't do this now, I will find a way to create chaos in my life again, and it will look like it is coming from someone or somewhere else.

I don't know if that makes sense to you, but even when there is peace in my life, I am not completely ok.... Something is missing. That is the thing that drives me to make one little decision after another that will put me right back in the middle of the crap I worked so hard to get out of.

I decided I need help. I found a therapist that works back to the time that I first developed that emptiness that drives me. I go to Alanon for support. I have some really good friends there that I trust. I never believed in all the hocus pocus therapy stuff, but if my life is exactly like I wanted it, and I still am incomplete, then I need to start looking for something that can help. I am hoping this will.

Right now, I would rather not dig up old wounds and feel like I am out of control emotionally, but I am being told by trusted people that if I do this, it will heal that "hole in my soul". That would be worth the feeling like garbage that this therapy is causing. I can handle anything for a period of time. Growth causes pain. I can do that.

Anyway, just wanted to share this. Maybe you can maintain without having to do anything else. I hope you can! But if you find yourself in the middle of another situation saying, "How did this happen?" This post might help. I only wish you love and happiness! Magic
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