Friend, I know the feeling....I've grappled with those same....we could have made it and been truly happy if only....feelings. You care bc you're a compassionate person. You loved him. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret leaving for a secind, but I still miss my ex. I care about what happens to him and I always wabt to see him at his best and overcome his demons-that hasn't changed, I always wabted that, I did love him and part of me always will I suppose. My exs demise is his pride as well. There were many nights I literally felt like I was looking at the devil-and truly , I was. He was possessed. Pride, defiance-same thing, really....it's following yourself and putting yourself first rather than submitting to your higher power. Thinking you know best only leads to hell and sinful decisions (My two cents as a former prideful person).
I'm glad you posted tonight! It's helpful to get these feelings out. I hope you are feeling better-it's such a messy thing, isn't it.
Peace to you tonight!