I'm sorry you have had to go through this. I went through an 8 year relationship with someone who could not be honest with anyone, not himself, not me. I also remember the feeling of trying to figure out what was real when it finally ended. It was a relief when it finally was over - and I did find out a lot about myself in the aftermath - it was a worthwhile journey.
Trust your instincts and trust yourself. He sounds like he had a terrible problem with drinking and you are fortunate not to be in that relationship anymore. As an alcoholic, he had not been honest with you for a long time, by the sounds of it, so it is understandable you doubt yourself. Don't.
Continue to work on yourself. The confusion will not dissipate overnight but in time some things should become clearer and you will grow as a result of it.
All the best.