Notices

I don't know what's real anymore

Old 04-24-2016, 03:28 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
I don't know what's real anymore

Hi Everyone,
I am new here and am really struggling with my perception of reality so wanted to reach out. I just got out of an 8 year relationship and I keep flip flopping with how I feel.
His drinking was a source of tension for us for years. My mom is an alcoholic and despite this he never seemed to take my concerns or issues with his drinking seriously. He doesn’t seem to think he has a problem and sometimes I wonder if he really does, or if I am just imaging things due to being highly sensitive…
Some ways I know that he may have a problem is that he doesn’t know when to stop… he will get completely out of his mind (stumbling, slurring, glossy eyes) but it’s not every day, usually just on the weekends. He will make a deal with himself to not drink beer a few months out of the year (but just beer, anything else goes) and usually succeeds. His smell started to remind me of my mom’s boyfriends… that sweaty alcohol and ashtray type smell but he would say he had had only had one beer (he also liked to smoke weed). It didn’t seem like he could do anything without having a drink or smoke first… cooking, cleaning, yardwork, and would smoke in the mornings too...
I found out through a friend of his that he complained about me being on him about his drinking all the time… now that we are over he NOW understands why it bothered me so much but still doesn’t seem to think he has a problem. This same friend told me he recently made a comment that he was drinking more because he has “nothing else to do”. I am currently staying in the home we bought while his parents work on buying us out. I do not want this place and he wants to keep it but cannot buy it on his own…
I ended things with him in January because I couldn’t take certain things anymore. The drinking, his general lack of ambition, his lack of license (even though he promised me multiple times he would get it…). I wanted to start a family and didn’t want them to experience what I went through. On Valentine’s Day he told me what I wanted to hear and we got back together… and he ended up leaving me a month later. One day he said he “needed space” and I found out he actually met someone else that night. He told me after a week that we had actually been broken up that entire time. He transitioned from me, after that many years, right to another.
This hurts so much and I have his friends telling me that he doesn’t have a problem, his family telling me that he doesn’t have a problem, and I just feel so alone and unsure of myself.
I have poured my heart out to him and I received a halfhearted apology from him regarding his drinking after we were over. “I didn’t realize how much your mom drinking has affected you”
I need to say that towards the end I could feel myself detaching. I stopped going out with him because I didn’t want to have to babysit him, I started to sleep on the couch because he either smelled or his restless leg syndrome was acting up, I didn’t want to have sex with him because I felt like a piece of meat. I started to nag/belittle/berate him about EVERYTHING. It felt like he just didn’t care at all but I feel TERRIBLE about the way I treated him towards the end.
He is telling people I am trying to lure him into having sex so I can sabotage his new relationship and to my face he’s telling me that he has been respectful…
I have started to attend ACA meetings, I have started therapy and have been trying to focus on myself but it has been extremely hard. I don’t know if I blew things out of proportion or if this is really happened to me…
I am so confused
Expanding is offline  
Old 04-24-2016, 04:12 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
MissPerfumado's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
I'm sorry you have had to go through this. I went through an 8 year relationship with someone who could not be honest with anyone, not himself, not me. I also remember the feeling of trying to figure out what was real when it finally ended. It was a relief when it finally was over - and I did find out a lot about myself in the aftermath - it was a worthwhile journey.

Trust your instincts and trust yourself. He sounds like he had a terrible problem with drinking and you are fortunate not to be in that relationship anymore. As an alcoholic, he had not been honest with you for a long time, by the sounds of it, so it is understandable you doubt yourself. Don't.

Continue to work on yourself. The confusion will not dissipate overnight but in time some things should become clearer and you will grow as a result of it.

All the best.
MissPerfumado is offline  
Old 04-24-2016, 04:41 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
FreeOwl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I'm sorry for what you are going through.

I'don't like to suggest a book that you may find useful, it is called 'co-dependent no more'.

From your post, I believe this book may bring you some insight.
FreeOwl is offline  
Old 04-24-2016, 04:42 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
FreeOwl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
It is by Melody Beattie.
FreeOwl is offline  
Old 04-24-2016, 04:47 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,673
Welcome to the family. You'll find lots of support here.
least is online now  
Old 04-24-2016, 05:41 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Hawkeye13's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,373
First thing you need to consider is not talking to his friends about him
and what he says / does for you own peace of mind.

Have you lined up a place to move when parents buy you out?
Sometimes proactive steps like purging you possessions, packing,
and getting ready to move on can speed the healing process.

Quite frankly from what you've posted, he may never choose to quit
or even admit he has a real problem.
You are very smart not to have brought an innocent child into this.
The book you bought is excellent--check out our Friends and Family forum
if you want to talk to others who have been right where you are now.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/
Hawkeye13 is offline  
Old 04-24-2016, 05:41 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Do your best
 
Soberwolf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Welcome Expanding x
Soberwolf is offline  
Old 04-24-2016, 05:41 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
FLCamper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 874
Expanding, it sounds like you are better off without him. You treated him horribly toward the end? Don't berate yourself. It sounds like he is an unfeeling jerk, he likely didn't notice any change in your actions.
He moved on so quickly? Pity that poor girl and be glad it isn't you.
8 years is a long time. Do you have friends to spend time with? Get out and stay busy. Don't sit at home alone. You deserve much better than that. Take care of yourself.
Yes, you are correct, he sounds like an alcoholic.
FLCamper is offline  
Old 04-24-2016, 05:42 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,330
Welcome!
Anna is offline  
Old 04-24-2016, 05:44 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 701
Welcome Expanding, good to have you here. It sounds like you are doing the right things, getting away from him, counseling, etc. I would also suggest that you refrain from talking to his friends and family. He has obviously convinced them that he doesn't have a problem, so naturally they are going to rally around him. YOU lived with him, and YOU were the one that his behavior effected on an ongoing basis. I hope you find peace.
FormerWineGirl is offline  
Old 04-24-2016, 06:08 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Thank you everyone

I am going to pick up Codependent No More right now... can't wait to get on with my life in a healthy way.

It is frightening that I repeated patterns without realizing... how I rationalized things away... I know his grandfather was a mean drinker and it hurt his mother which had to have had an impact on him as well... the cycles can be so hard to break
Expanding is offline  
Old 04-24-2016, 06:59 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
OneIsTooMuch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 59
Welcome.

I have never been on your side of the equation in a relationship, only on the alcoholic side. But I think you are totally in reality.

Most of us alcoholic's are really good at deception -- when drinking we deceive ourselves and try to deceive those around us. In my experience what you see the alcoholic drinking is probably just the tip of the iceberg.
OneIsTooMuch is offline  
Old 04-24-2016, 07:10 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi Expanding
Codependency is torture. The alcoholic is addicted to alcohol...obsessing over it all the time. The codependent is addicted to the alcoholic...obsessing over him all the time. Talk to your therapist about codependency. Work on finding yourself, discovering your values and establishing your boundaries. Take lots of time to become you. Don't worry about other people and don't take on other people's issues. It takes time but its necessary so you don't lose yourself again.
entropy1964 is offline  
Old 04-24-2016, 07:45 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 27
Hi Expanding. So sorry that you are going through this . You are on your way to taking care of your own needs and getting healthy. Sounds like your ex drinking will have to progress to a much lower point before he is ready to admit he is powerless over alcohol. No doubt he will realize one day that alcohol robbed him of you. That is what alcohol does it takes and takes and takes. All the while numbing the brain with a superficial high. The person under the influence welcomes the removal of obstacles to continue their relief while drinking. I'm sure the new relationship he is in the drinking is not the source of contention YET. Sorry you are going through this. It's inevitable that alcohol will destroy alcoholic's relationships ,inside feelings and livelihood when active. Please do not think it's you are over reacting .Like someone else mentioned you were living with this everyday full time. You are more than allowed to address what's best in your relationship. You are expressing that you are worried and care about him. Nobody' can feel your feelings but you. You deserve the best and someone who wants the best for you and themselves. Prayers to you
Lockie is offline  
Old 04-24-2016, 10:55 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
The codependent in me is so upset that his parents are bailing him out. This could've been his rock bottom, he would've lost everything and would've had to deal with the consequences of his actions. I wish mom and dad would buy me a house, sheesh
Expanding is offline  
Old 04-24-2016, 11:25 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Alcoholics like to have codependents and enablers around them. Makes the illusion possible. Parents are the worst kind of enablers to have. Their love (and sometimes guilt....you never know what kind of parents they were or whether they blame themselves for the child's issues) can blind them completely....which give the addict free reign to manipulate and use them.

You have no control over anyone in this situation but yourself. Let it go. Try to detach. Take care of you.
entropy1964 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:40 AM.