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Hi Everyone,
I am new here and am really struggling with my perception of reality so wanted to reach out. I just got out of an 8 year relationship and I keep flip flopping with how I feel.
His drinking was a source of tension for us for years. My mom is an alcoholic and despite this he never seemed to take my concerns or issues with his drinking seriously. He doesn’t seem to think he has a problem and sometimes I wonder if he really does, or if I am just imaging things due to being highly sensitive…
Some ways I know that he may have a problem is that he doesn’t know when to stop… he will get completely out of his mind (stumbling, slurring, glossy eyes) but it’s not every day, usually just on the weekends. He will make a deal with himself to not drink beer a few months out of the year (but just beer, anything else goes) and usually succeeds. His smell started to remind me of my mom’s boyfriends… that sweaty alcohol and ashtray type smell but he would say he had had only had one beer (he also liked to smoke weed). It didn’t seem like he could do anything without having a drink or smoke first… cooking, cleaning, yardwork, and would smoke in the mornings too...
I found out through a friend of his that he complained about me being on him about his drinking all the time… now that we are over he NOW understands why it bothered me so much but still doesn’t seem to think he has a problem. This same friend told me he recently made a comment that he was drinking more because he has “nothing else to do”. I am currently staying in the home we bought while his parents work on buying us out. I do not want this place and he wants to keep it but cannot buy it on his own…
I ended things with him in January because I couldn’t take certain things anymore. The drinking, his general lack of ambition, his lack of license (even though he promised me multiple times he would get it…). I wanted to start a family and didn’t want them to experience what I went through. On Valentine’s Day he told me what I wanted to hear and we got back together… and he ended up leaving me a month later. One day he said he “needed space” and I found out he actually met someone else that night. He told me after a week that we had actually been broken up that entire time. He transitioned from me, after that many years, right to another.
This hurts so much and I have his friends telling me that he doesn’t have a problem, his family telling me that he doesn’t have a problem, and I just feel so alone and unsure of myself.
I have poured my heart out to him and I received a halfhearted apology from him regarding his drinking after we were over. “I didn’t realize how much your mom drinking has affected you”
I need to say that towards the end I could feel myself detaching. I stopped going out with him because I didn’t want to have to babysit him, I started to sleep on the couch because he either smelled or his restless leg syndrome was acting up, I didn’t want to have sex with him because I felt like a piece of meat. I started to nag/belittle/berate him about EVERYTHING. It felt like he just didn’t care at all but I feel TERRIBLE about the way I treated him towards the end.
He is telling people I am trying to lure him into having sex so I can sabotage his new relationship and to my face he’s telling me that he has been respectful…
I have started to attend ACA meetings, I have started therapy and have been trying to focus on myself but it has been extremely hard. I don’t know if I blew things out of proportion or if this is really happened to me…
I am so confused