I didnt make it
Again. I'm married to someone I love but who is so different from me in every way. Who leads me down every awful path but I follow in my desperate need to be loved and not be alone or left living on the street. I disagree with every value he stands for. Or rather, I agree with the value, but not his ignorant stance and judgment of others while touting himself as holier than thou. Every fiber in my being screams against the beliefs he holds and the ignorance he projects.
But sometimes he is good. Enough. And always I hate myself almost enough to end my life. So I end up believing and following him, because to me my only other choice is poverty. Or death. I know it sounds dramatic but it is not. I don't know how to be true to myself. I don't know how to survive. I don't know if I care anymore. And no matter how hard I try I can't stay sober.