vulturine

I met with my best friend's mom yesterday over lunch and tea. He died 5 months ago at the age of 29 from an OD (in another post). I feel really terrible because I wasn't in a particularly sad mood yesterday. I was more nervous about upsetting his mom, and wondering why she decided to contact me of all people. She didn't know me, and I was unable to attend the funeral because I was in the hospital for 7 days under suicide watch. I pretty much have been all over the place emotionally for 5 months straight, but on the one day I probably should have shown some grief, I was just an emotionless void. She apparently carries a letter I wrote to him after he had died in her purse to remind her she wasn't the only one who cared.

She showed me photo albums, and his two degrees. It added a whole new depth of sadness to meet his mom and hear her talk about him. She's still in denial about his chronic alcohol and drug abuse. He was severely alcoholic in the months prior to his death, and suffering from withdrawal symptoms. I just wanted to make her understand that even though he promised her he would never drink again weeks before he died, and he made a legitimate effort, he was still an addict. I know this, as an addict myself. We're pretty much willing to destroy our lives and bodies just so today feels okay. I told her that I appreciated him for who he was, and that the world lost a beautiful person.

Anyway, I found the 5 hour meeting incredibly uncomfortable. I don't know how to deal with these situations, and being alone in a room with a person quietly crying makes me anxious. I feel really awful about this. She had to bury her only son. I only knew him as a best friend, but this lady watched him grow, tried her best as a single mom to make sure he had the best. Used a whole box of tissue when I got home.