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I met with my best friend's mom :' ( **warning: long**

Old 04-15-2016, 11:07 PM
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I met with my best friend's mom :' ( **warning: long**

I met with my best friend's mom yesterday over lunch and tea. He died 5 months ago at the age of 29 from an OD (in another post). I feel really terrible because I wasn't in a particularly sad mood yesterday. I was more nervous about upsetting his mom, and wondering why she decided to contact me of all people. She didn't know me, and I was unable to attend the funeral because I was in the hospital for 7 days under suicide watch. I pretty much have been all over the place emotionally for 5 months straight, but on the one day I probably should have shown some grief, I was just an emotionless void. She apparently carries a letter I wrote to him after he had died in her purse to remind her she wasn't the only one who cared.

She showed me photo albums, and his two degrees. It added a whole new depth of sadness to meet his mom and hear her talk about him. She's still in denial about his chronic alcohol and drug abuse. He was severely alcoholic in the months prior to his death, and suffering from withdrawal symptoms. I just wanted to make her understand that even though he promised her he would never drink again weeks before he died, and he made a legitimate effort, he was still an addict. I know this, as an addict myself. We're pretty much willing to destroy our lives and bodies just so today feels okay. I told her that I appreciated him for who he was, and that the world lost a beautiful person.

Anyway, I found the 5 hour meeting incredibly uncomfortable. I don't know how to deal with these situations, and being alone in a room with a person quietly crying makes me anxious. I feel really awful about this. She had to bury her only son. I only knew him as a best friend, but this lady watched him grow, tried her best as a single mom to make sure he had the best. Used a whole box of tissue when I got home.
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Old 04-15-2016, 11:19 PM
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My goodness. 5 hours? No wonder you were exhausted. I don't think there is a given way to deal with the situation you were in. I know that this sounds a bit uncaring, but I'd say if you ever agree to meet with her again, (or anyone else where expectations could be unclear) make sure you have told them a set amount of time that you can be there. An hour or maybe two would have been quite enough to deal with. Try to surround yourself with people who make you smile today (even if you don't feel like smiling at the moment). Isolating could be a mistake, and it's probably tempting to do so after that meeting. Try to counteract ut by turning up the self care, and safeguarding against the HALT triggers.
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Old 04-15-2016, 11:25 PM
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I think that would be hard for anyone Vulturine - I certainly think I'd walk out of there anxious too.

I hope you both got some comfort and maybe ultimately some peace out of it?

D
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Old 04-16-2016, 12:45 AM
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Wow, that's a hard situation, Vulturine. I think you handled it was well as could be expected. It was very good of you to meet with her and hopefully it will help her process her emotions and move towards healing.

There's a certain kind of loneliness in addiction. Everyone thinks at one point or another that no one truly understands them, but addicts feel this acutely. It's really impossible for someone that hasn't struggled with the problem to know what it's like. When I drank I wouldn't let anything or anyone get in the way of getting drunk. It had nothing to do with them and everything to do with me and my problem with booze.

I bring that up only to point out that your friends mom is in a very difficult spot. Bad enough losing her son but she can't understand how he came to that point. Perhaps she blames herself- parents often seem to feel their children's problems are the parent's fault. Sadly addiction just is, there's probably little she could have done to make him a different person.
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Old 04-16-2016, 01:00 AM
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I have a bit of a different take.

You got to see first hand what the effect we have on people is when we use. We convince ourselves that we're only hurting ourselves, and this simply isn't the case. Eventually the disease kills us (no matter what drug we use), leaving the people who love us behind. On the way there we still manage to cause a good deal of damage. I'll never forget meeting with my brother's wife when I had about 10 months clean. He was (and is) drinking himself to death and even though she was divorcing him, I could see the pain and fear in her eyes. For some reason this made it much clearer to me what I had been doing to those around me not so long before that.

When we stop using, we have an opportunity to make a dramatic change in how we affect those around us. Today it has become important to me to consider what condition I leave the souls around me in as a result of having had contact with me. You and I get a second chance at our impact on the world. Those who have succumbed to the disease do not. Let us not squander this gift.
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Old 04-16-2016, 01:18 AM
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I think you done amazing x I can't imagine how tough that was
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Old 04-16-2016, 01:34 AM
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I don't know what is HALT. I haven't felt like interacting with anyone for a while. Cut off my friends for a while, stopped attending events. I just want more time to myself.

Addiction is a very lonely place, but I've been a loner for most of my life, so this place is familiar to me, even without addiction. Adam's mom couldn't fathom that there were things about her son that she didn't know. What's the truth? Is an addict going to share their experiences with a fellow addict/depressed person, or the lady who takes him out for American-Italian food on Sundays? I don't want to take away her belief that her son was stronger than his addiction, and that his love for his mother would overcome his depression, however she will find out when the coroner's report does come back, and when she finds the 10 bottles of vodka hidden behind the furnace in the basement.

I don't believe that guilt is a major motivating factor to stop. I'm an only child too, but I've been self-destructing since I was 12, and my mom has even said that if she knew how difficult life would have been for me, she'd never have had me. I don't think any of this was my fault.
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Old 04-16-2016, 02:17 AM
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HALT is an old acronym for Hungry Angry Lonely Tired. Occasionally one hears "Halts" with the S standing for Sick. - The idea is that we tend to become emotionally vulnerable and "not in our right mind" when we are stressed in these ways. Not making any decisions of consequence when in these states is always a good call.

Guilt isn't really a motivating factor to stop. If it was, we would all stop. Taking an honest look at how we affect those around us (positively and negatively) is a part of recovery, ethics, and maturity. We don't get there overnight. I wasn't able to see past the end of my own nose for a long time.

I don't think my addiction, my self destructive impulses, and my warped thinking are my fault either. At one point I was much more interested in why I was the way I was. Now I am concerned with what to do about it and how to live today. The NA basic text says "we are not responsible for our addiction, but we are responsible for our recovery". It's the actions that I take today that matter.
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Old 04-16-2016, 02:44 AM
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Hi vulturine, That was a big day; a day, no doubt, that will stay with you for the rest of your life....
How you view, think and your perspective about yesterday will change as you change and as time goes by.
His mum reaching for a connection with others that cared for her son is understandable and beautiful.
I am glad that you could be there for her.
I hope in time that she can come to some peace with the loss of her son.
You said you are keeping yourself to yourself, I understand but it is also good to talk and it sounds like you have been through a lot.
Have you got someone to talk with,? sharing here is good or a councillor, perhaps someone you trust when you are ready.
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Old 04-16-2016, 03:48 AM
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^^^ What Notime said.

Sorry for your loss.
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