Diary of a Mad Cow, Part XIX: "Back in Black ...and White"
Well, first the BLACK:
I been nonstop back on my hamster wheel of very severe depressions, stimulants, mania, drinking. Total disregard for own life, total isolation and detachment from everyone. Extreme anhedonia. Got into a bit of bi-polar alcoholic psychosis where my behavior and thinking completely irrational and delusional. Day time waking blackouts. Very creepy.
Just other day it dawn on me that I far, far sicker than I ever allow self to realize. I mean, I knew I sick, but I always able to get jobs done and “present” self as capable, and, in some way, I think I buy into my own mask. So, had that realization of: Damn dude, you seriously mentally ill. ...Crap.
That not change anything though. Then got to point where I really wanting to end life. Not think I ever gonna change and no treatment ever gonna help. Is not for lack of trying. But, not all people is fixable, you know? Sad but true. I thinking it FUBAR for me.
Couple week ago, very spiritual friend of mine (who is one I can still be total honest with) tell me that is okay with her if I want to "transition" to next phase. I tell her, I not believe in “next phase.” I believe is ashes to ashes, stardust to stardust. My atoms maybe go on to become all manner of other things, but I not believe consciousness survive death. I tell her that I not really afraid of death, is just that, well, dammit, since I here in this life against all odds, I just really want my day in the sun, you know? Just one Goddamn day. Doesn't even has to be whole 24 hour. Just little sliver of time where I feel satisfied with this whole human experience thing.
Was good talk, but it not change anything. Started to realize I becoming super incapable of tolerating mood states that was coming over me. I was at end limits of coping. Of what I could endure. The using was make me truly unhinged and dangerous. I knew one of this times was gonna be last time, and I was losing control over making that decision. In conclusion: Shht gettin’ real.
Now the WHITE:
I gonna choose to live, however heinous it may be. I gonna suck it up. And I make promise with my friend Sleepies to stop isolating, so here I is, Gumdrops. Oh, and I quit all substances effective immediately.
But wait, where is the GRAY?
Is no gray. I got no gray left. As Yoda say, “Do or do not.” I got no more tries in me. Jesus God, this gonna suck. Please bears with me if I grumpy grouchy cow.
I does hope I still has a certain turtle in my corner. Even though it maybe take him long time to even get to my corner cuz turtles move so very slow.
Okay, I think is enough verbosity for now. How is you all going?