Hello all, I haven't checked in since a couple of days ago, was doing well, today (15!) I'm feeling wobbly. I need to stick around. What triggers me is a fundamental insecurity, taught by mommy dearest. It's her voice I keep hearing: The way I dress is all wrong, the way I care for my pets is all wrong (I really do spoil them
but she ignores hers), my car is all wrong, my house is all wrong, I am all wrong. Yesterday I told her, if anyone would talk to you the way you talk to me, you would never want to see them again, think about it. Then she just blankly stared out of the window. She will be back at it in a day. Ugh.
Truth is, I'm terrified for my new life. My dad bought a home for me to rent from him. I chose the fixer upper close to nature instead of the one that I could move into immediately in the depressing neighborhood. So there's work to be done and I'm gonna have to arrange and do most of it myself. It's almost my dads birthday and since I don't have a lot of money, I decided to quit smoking, he would be so happy but the thought alone makes me queasy. My car does need a lot of tlc and I love working on it but I'm just pretending to know what I'm doing! It will start to fall apart soon. Starting a new job in a month with wonderful opportunities but I will just mess it up like I'm used to. Cops came by yesterday because my ex is still stalking me 5 months after breaking up, I feel uneasy when my phone rings, when I get an email, when someone knocks on the door and when I have to go outside. My Shetland pony is being naughty because I spoiled her a bit too much! I have to train her better but I will surely ruin her.
I'm sorry for rambling. I feel it's all too much for me to handle. I have always felt like a screw up and it makes me want to sneak off into oblivion because that's what I think I deserve. This time, I'm just not going to. I'm NOT having the first drink. (But who am I kidding, the AV spoke slyly.)
