Hi B,
'What's wrong with me'
I use to ask myself the same question, I still do. My partner of 8 years started injecting meth around 3.5 years ago and our life spiralled down hill very, very fast. I tried to 'save' him and lost myself doing it. i would swap between feeling angry, scared, sad, furious, hopefully, terrified, happy, anxious, etc. I guess I got use to the craziness. I felt trapped, and then eventually I felt numb. I was always tired, doing everything, and being the sole carer of our 2 children. I cut myself off from everyone and lived a miserable life. I couldn't see an escape. I lived day to day. Until I got to a point where I realised I needed to set myself a boundary or limit I wouldn't cross.
one day that came, when he went extra crazy. He'd had his first compensation payment and took off on a 10 day binge (taking our only car when our baby has epilepsy), giving me not one cent. He only came back when he had run out of drugs, and the car was trashed. I'm sure you can imagine his scary state. The police were called and I forced myself to use this as my break. My family got involved and I was under so much pressure from them to keep him away. If it wasn't for that pressure I probably would've given in to him again as the cycle was almost normal. It felt nearly impossible at the time but I stuck to my guns. I refused to let him back into our house until he was in recovery. It was the hardest thing I ever did. It seriously broke my heart to see him crying and begging at my door. But I knew nothing was gonna change until he left and got help. I'd fallen for his promises for help too many times before.
Nearly 12 months have past now and he's still using. He takes no responsibility for the terrible things he's done to us. He says it's all my fault. He says I'm keeping him from his kids. He says he's only still using cos there's no1 to support him (his living with his parents tho). Now he' says he is dying and wants to come home to spend his last few months with his family. He is self diagonased. He still manages to make me feel guilty even though he is completely irrational. He twists everything I say - everything and it doesn't make sense. And he is very angry, all the time.
After 12months, I'm so much stronger. I feel like I'm getting to know myself all over again. I'm excerising, eating healthy, and have started looking after my appearance. I'm catching up with friends again. It feels great to have routine and reliability back in our lives. My girls are doing great too. I'm not longer angry, scared and snappy all the time and we have fun. My eldest, who's 7, has just started doing afterschool sports with the money I've managed to save from not supporting an addict. We could never have done that before. Her confidence is coming back and she's not so anxious.
I hope he gets better, I really do, and it breaks my heart, but I know that I Can't go back to that life again. I'm not going to ruin my kids lives on a dream that he might sort himself out anytime soon. It's up to him now. He has to make those steps. It's much easier being sad then being anxious and scared.
Good luck and stay strong. Have you got any close friends or family you can trust that can help you out? I was ashamed to tell anyone initially, but once I did it really helped.
Just remember there is life on the other side of addiction. You deserve to be happy and so do your kids. baby steps worked for me. Baby steps in the right direction. take care