Wife of a meth addict

Old 04-13-2016, 11:28 AM
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Wife of a meth addict

This is my first post to this site although I have been a member for several years. My husband of 20 years is a meth addict. He has used off and on throughout our entire relationship. He got clean for almost a year back in 2013-2014 when I finally filed for divorce. We have 3 kids together. After he cleaned up, I took him back and cancelled my divorce filing. He relapsed once again almost a year ago and has been using ever since. I have been struggling with what to do. All I know is that I cannot continue on like this. His addiction is killing me mentally, emotionally, and physically, and yet I stay with him. Why is this so hard? I'm an intelligent, professional woman. I'm a good mom. What is wrong with me?
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Old 04-13-2016, 11:36 AM
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hi and welcome, great to finally SEE you!

when addicts get some clean time under their belts, and then relapse....coming back from that relapse is harder than any time before. addiction does not let go easily.

similarly when WE come SO close to letting them go, bagging all our hopes and setting them at the curb and they come back with promises and a plan, and they seem to be doing so well, making progress, we greedily grab on tight.

so when the inevitable comes, the return to drug use, our HOPE is our addiction, and it's hard to get go.

this is where heads need to rule hearts. facts need to outpace promises.

he has been using meth again for a solid year. you and the children are living with active addiction. and it will slowly destroy you all unless you get out, get away. for that reason alone, it's time to take those steps. you know what to do. you simply need to build up your inner strength muscles and take those first steps.
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Old 04-13-2016, 11:53 AM
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Thank you for the advice. I really need to hear those words and carry through with it. I know it is delusional to think that he will do the right things. I just get stuck in the hope that this time will be the time that actually works. He makes me feel so guilty, but he isn't really doing anything to get better. He refuses rehab, but it is so hard to throw away 20 years of marriage even though I know it is the right thing to do. He makes me feel like I'm a horrible person because I don't love him unconditionally. Just so incredibly hard.
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Old 04-13-2016, 02:05 PM
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Loving someone unconditionally and living with them are two different things.
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Old 04-13-2016, 10:29 PM
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Hi Beth,
I'm glad you're posting here and reaching out for support. I was also married to someone that used meth and it is a very CRAZY way to live.

When I first filed for divorce, he began working on his recovery. He went to meetings, got a sponsor, got a job, and was basically showing me with his actions that he wanted to stay sober. I called off the divorce and we were very happy for a while.

Then he relapsed. Things went downhill real fast. It was horrible to see him go down that path again. I told him that if it got to the point of me filing for divorce again, no matter what he did or what he said, I was NOT going to call it off again. He didn't believe it and we've now been divorced for over 2 years and I haven't had any contact with him since 2014.

He also tried to make me feel like I was a horrible person and blamed me for his actions. Sometimes it worked and I would find myself in a deep depression and second guessing everything I did. It became a very toxic relationship and it was getting worse. His relapse brought back the lies, the guilt, manipulation, fights, etc.

I realized that he has his own free will to live his life the way he wants to and that anyone that truly loved and respected me would not put me through such hell. I also realized that I had my own free will to live my life anyway I wanted and nobody was forcing me stay in the marriage. It would have been easy for me to stay in the marriage and then blame him for my misery, but I had to own the fact that I was an active participant in this dysfunctional mess too. I couldn't pray or love him into recovery, but I could support him. The problem is, he was not interested in recovery. He wanted to keep using and for me to put up with it. He was great at blaming everyone else and making excuses, not so great at being honest and holding himself accountable

It wasn't an easy decision to file for divorce, but I am in a much happier and peaceful place and I'm so grateful to be here. SR became a lifeline for me and it also helped to join a support group in my area. Whatever you decide to do, please know that many of us here know exactly what you're going through and we're here to offer you our support. Sending you lots of hugs.
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Old 04-14-2016, 08:08 AM
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Hi B,
'What's wrong with me'
I use to ask myself the same question, I still do. My partner of 8 years started injecting meth around 3.5 years ago and our life spiralled down hill very, very fast. I tried to 'save' him and lost myself doing it. i would swap between feeling angry, scared, sad, furious, hopefully, terrified, happy, anxious, etc. I guess I got use to the craziness. I felt trapped, and then eventually I felt numb. I was always tired, doing everything, and being the sole carer of our 2 children. I cut myself off from everyone and lived a miserable life. I couldn't see an escape. I lived day to day. Until I got to a point where I realised I needed to set myself a boundary or limit I wouldn't cross.
one day that came, when he went extra crazy. He'd had his first compensation payment and took off on a 10 day binge (taking our only car when our baby has epilepsy), giving me not one cent. He only came back when he had run out of drugs, and the car was trashed. I'm sure you can imagine his scary state. The police were called and I forced myself to use this as my break. My family got involved and I was under so much pressure from them to keep him away. If it wasn't for that pressure I probably would've given in to him again as the cycle was almost normal. It felt nearly impossible at the time but I stuck to my guns. I refused to let him back into our house until he was in recovery. It was the hardest thing I ever did. It seriously broke my heart to see him crying and begging at my door. But I knew nothing was gonna change until he left and got help. I'd fallen for his promises for help too many times before.
Nearly 12 months have past now and he's still using. He takes no responsibility for the terrible things he's done to us. He says it's all my fault. He says I'm keeping him from his kids. He says he's only still using cos there's no1 to support him (his living with his parents tho). Now he' says he is dying and wants to come home to spend his last few months with his family. He is self diagonased. He still manages to make me feel guilty even though he is completely irrational. He twists everything I say - everything and it doesn't make sense. And he is very angry, all the time.
After 12months, I'm so much stronger. I feel like I'm getting to know myself all over again. I'm excerising, eating healthy, and have started looking after my appearance. I'm catching up with friends again. It feels great to have routine and reliability back in our lives. My girls are doing great too. I'm not longer angry, scared and snappy all the time and we have fun. My eldest, who's 7, has just started doing afterschool sports with the money I've managed to save from not supporting an addict. We could never have done that before. Her confidence is coming back and she's not so anxious.
I hope he gets better, I really do, and it breaks my heart, but I know that I Can't go back to that life again. I'm not going to ruin my kids lives on a dream that he might sort himself out anytime soon. It's up to him now. He has to make those steps. It's much easier being sad then being anxious and scared.
Good luck and stay strong. Have you got any close friends or family you can trust that can help you out? I was ashamed to tell anyone initially, but once I did it really helped.
Just remember there is life on the other side of addiction. You deserve to be happy and so do your kids. baby steps worked for me. Baby steps in the right direction. take care
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Old 04-14-2016, 08:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Sara21 View Post
Hi Beth,
I'm glad you're posting here and reaching out for support. I was also married to someone that used meth and it is a very CRAZY way to live.

When I first filed for divorce, he began working on his recovery. He went to meetings, got a sponsor, got a job, and was basically showing me with his actions that he wanted to stay sober. I called off the divorce and we were very happy for a while.

Then he relapsed. Things went downhill real fast. It was horrible to see him go down that path again. I told him that if it got to the point of me filing for divorce again, no matter what he did or what he said, I was NOT going to call it off again. He didn't believe it and we've now been divorced for over 2 years and I haven't had any contact with him since 2014.

He also tried to make me feel like I was a horrible person and blamed me for his actions. Sometimes it worked and I would find myself in a deep depression and second guessing everything I did. It became a very toxic relationship and it was getting worse. His relapse brought back the lies, the guilt, manipulation, fights, etc.

I realized that he has his own free will to live his life the way he wants to and that anyone that truly loved and respected me would not put me through such hell. I also realized that I had my own free will to live my life anyway I wanted and nobody was forcing me stay in the marriage. It would have been easy for me to stay in the marriage and then blame him for my misery, but I had to own the fact that I was an active participant in this dysfunctional mess too. I couldn't pray or love him into recovery, but I could support him. The problem is, he was not interested in recovery. He wanted to keep using and for me to put up with it. He was great at blaming everyone else and making excuses, not so great at being honest and holding himself accountable

It wasn't an easy decision to file for divorce, but I am in a much happier and peaceful place and I'm so grateful to be here. SR became a lifeline for me and it also helped to join a support group in my area. Whatever you decide to do, please know that many of us here know exactly what you're going through and we're here to offer you our support. Sending you lots of hugs.
I'm sorry you have had to deal with this in your life, but thank you so much for sharing your story with me. Whenever he cleaned up last time and I called off the divorce, my lawyer told me that he hoped for the best but experience told him I would be back within a couple of years. Well he certainly was right.

At this point, I'm trying to decide if I give him one last chance to go to rehab or just end it. He has never gone to an inpatient rehab. He has always said that rehab doesn't work and that is where people go to get drugs, get beat up, or raped. I don't know if he actually believes that or if its just more excuses at this point.

He actually came home and crashed out last night. After he passed out, I went through his little area of the garage and found his pipe but no drugs. Guess he is out after the last binge. It makes me furious that he has been bringing it into our house where our children live.
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Old 04-14-2016, 08:42 AM
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At this point, I'm trying to decide if I give him one last chance to go to rehab or just end it. He has never gone to an inpatient rehab.
He refuses rehab, but it is so hard to throw away 20 years of marriage even though I know it is the right thing to do.
A second chance doesn’t mean anything if you haven’t learned from your first mistake. He’s already had that second chance and so have you.
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Old 04-14-2016, 08:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Peaches15 View Post
Hi B,
'What's wrong with me'
I use to ask myself the same question, I still do. My partner of 8 years started injecting meth around 3.5 years ago and our life spiralled down hill very, very fast. I tried to 'save' him and lost myself doing it. i would swap between feeling angry, scared, sad, furious, hopefully, terrified, happy, anxious, etc. I guess I got use to the craziness. I felt trapped, and then eventually I felt numb. I was always tired, doing everything, and being the sole carer of our 2 children. I cut myself off from everyone and lived a miserable life. I couldn't see an escape. I lived day to day.
Wow! Everything you have just said is my life right now. He uses our children as a weapon against me. Our 7 year old idolizes his dad, but dad can be super happy fun guy when he is actually present (probably because he is high). It kills me to know that my kids are going to suffer, but you give me hope that it will get better for them.

My family and I are extremely close, and they have been pushing me to finally end it. They have tried and tried to help him in the past, more so than his own family, but they are done. My parents feel like they are losing a son. I really have no friends anymore, because I am ashamed. I thought that I have been protecting his reputation, but I think anyone that actually looks at him knows something is wrong. He is 5'9 and weighs about 125 pounds. His father's side of the family would actually help him, but they believe in tough love and he has just shut them out at this point. His mother has always played mind games with him and doesn't help the situation. My family and I are all he has now. It is hard to just turn my back on him, but I'm starting to think that all I'm doing is enabling him.

What Chino said yesterday really hit home with me. I can still love him, but I don't have to live with him and his addiction anymore.
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Old 04-14-2016, 09:31 AM
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I thought I was protecting my XAH's addictions, until I stopped. Low and behold, everyone knew anyways. I also reached out to my old friends and told them the truth, that I was ashamed for anyone to know how bad life had gotten. They came back with support and love.

It's great you have a good family support system as well, that means the world. I was so afraid, but I put my kids into counseling and utilize all support I can, including the wonderful folks here at SR. My kids are fine, not without issue, but ultimately just fine. And you know what, I will be too.

Hugs to you. Keep coming back, we are glad you are here!
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Old 04-14-2016, 11:00 AM
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Hi BethinAR. I'm from the other side and my DOC is alcohol, not meth. But what I'm going to tell you, that doesn't make any difference. His comments about rehab is total BS. I went to rehab and there were no drugs, I didn't get beat up, and I didn't get raped. That sounds more like jail to me which is were he might end up. But from his comments I can tell he doesn't want to get any better. And until he wants to quit using you're seeing the best it's going to be. It'll only get worse.

There's nothing you can do to make him want to quit using. That has to come from within him. If I were in your shoes I'd do everything I could to protect my children and myself. If that means leaving him then as hard as that seems right now I'd do it.

Anyone who really wants to get better would jump at the chance of rehab. All the words you hear from him without him taking any action is just manipulation to make his life easier. In the depth of his soul he may know what is the right thing to do. But until he wants to quit more than he wants to use nothing will change. And he might never get there.
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Old 04-14-2016, 03:59 PM
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It makes me furious that he has been bringing it into our house where our children live.

and what would you do if anyone ELSE brought DRUGS into the home where your children live?
would you let ME bring in meth and a pipe and smoke out in your garage?
the babysitter?
the gardener?
then why on EARTH do you allow HIM to put them at risk?? allow him to bring and consume illegal drugs in your home, that your children could inadvertently find and possibly ingest??

even tho you are the non-using parent, the authorities don't take too kindly to knowing of and continuing to ALLOW active drug use in the home and/or around the kids.
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Old 04-14-2016, 07:40 PM
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Beth...

I'm glad you took the step to de-cloak and write your first post. Let's cut to the chase.

What is wrong with me?
Wrong question to ask. I don't think there's anything "wrong" with you, per se. I'm sure that whatever reasons you've had for not cutting your husband loose made a certain amount of sense at one time.

But let's look at what we know.

You've been married 20 years. Apart from a brief period of abstaining a few years back, he's used throughout your marriage. The fact that he's the father of three children hasn't prevented him from living a life of indulgence.

Based on this, the question you should be asking yourself is: what evidence is there that he will ever change?

There is one answer to that question: he won't.

So there is really only one other question that needs to be answered, and that's what are you going to do about it. And while I can't answer that question for you, what I will tell you is you do not need permission to do what is best for you and your children at this point. Your AH has chosen drugs. He has put drugs ahead of his marriage. He has put drugs ahead of his children. And he will continue to do this indefinitely, without conscience, without remorse. No one here would blame you if you opted to punch out of the union.

A word of caution. If you decide that, yes, you're punching out and divorcing his arse, he will promise you and your children the moon. He'll promise to quit. He will say anything in order for you to stay.

He is full of sh!t. Do not believe another word to come out of his mouth.

Keep us posted. I'm glad you're here with us.
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Old 04-15-2016, 08:48 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
It makes me furious that he has been bringing it into our house where our children live.

and what would you do if anyone ELSE brought DRUGS into the home where your children live?
would you let ME bring in meth and a pipe and smoke out in your garage?
the babysitter?
the gardener?
then why on EARTH do you allow HIM to put them at risk?? allow him to bring and consume illegal drugs in your home, that your children could inadvertently find and possibly ingest??

even tho you are the non-using parent, the authorities don't take too kindly to knowing of and continuing to ALLOW active drug use in the home and/or around the kids.
Wow! That was really harsh and absolutely devastated me when I read it, but it is something that I really needed to hear. I've called my attorney and have scheduled an appointment to file for divorce. Thank you for giving it to me straight.
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Old 04-15-2016, 09:10 AM
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Make sure your attorney is well versed in addiction and gets lots of things put into the custody agreement to protect the children.

Many hugs. It's hard to think w/your head and not your heart. Just put those babies first in every decision you make, and that will lead you on the right path.
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Old 04-15-2016, 10:41 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
Make sure your attorney is well versed in addiction and gets lots of things put into the custody agreement to protect the children.

Many hugs. It's hard to think w/your head and not your heart. Just put those babies first in every decision you make, and that will lead you on the right path.
I was able to get an emergency appointment with a lawyer this afternoon. She was referred to me by a friend who had some of the same issues previously. I'm scared to death, but I realize this has to be done for my children and for my own sanity. Thank you all for being the voice of reason that I needed to hear. I will keep everyone posted on what happens.
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Old 04-15-2016, 11:29 AM
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Seeing the atty will make you feel better, or it did for me. I felt much more in control and knew what to expect, which helped my sanity!

Hugs, many hugs!
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Old 04-15-2016, 11:57 AM
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we like to call is firing up the SR/Codie bus! we will be with you! i call shotgun

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Old 04-15-2016, 03:03 PM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
Seeing the atty will make you feel better, or it did for me. I felt much more in control and knew what to expect, which helped my sanity!

Hugs, many hugs!
My attorney is very proactive. She has filed for an order of protection to help us immediately, and she is very familiar with these type of situations. She will be following it with the order of divorce the first of next week along with an immediate order for a drug test to be done on his hair. I feel scared, but it is also a relief to finally be doing something. Thank you for all the hugs!!!
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Old 04-15-2016, 03:04 PM
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Thanks for coming along with me on this crazy ride! Hugs to all of you!
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