Hi Beth,
I'm glad you're posting here and reaching out for support. I was also married to someone that used meth and it is a very CRAZY way to live.
When I first filed for divorce, he began working on his recovery. He went to meetings, got a sponsor, got a job, and was basically showing me with his actions that he wanted to stay sober. I called off the divorce and we were very happy for a while.
Then he relapsed. Things went downhill real fast. It was horrible to see him go down that path again. I told him that if it got to the point of me filing for divorce again, no matter what he did or what he said, I was NOT going to call it off again. He didn't believe it and we've now been divorced for over 2 years and I haven't had any contact with him since 2014.
He also tried to make me feel like I was a horrible person and blamed me for his actions. Sometimes it worked and I would find myself in a deep depression and second guessing everything I did. It became a very toxic relationship and it was getting worse. His relapse brought back the lies, the guilt, manipulation, fights, etc.
I realized that he has his own free will to live his life the way he wants to and that anyone that truly loved and respected me would not put me through such hell. I also realized that I had my own free will to live my life anyway I wanted and nobody was forcing me stay in the marriage. It would have been easy for me to stay in the marriage and then blame him for my misery, but I had to own the fact that I was an active participant in this dysfunctional mess too. I couldn't pray or love him into recovery, but I could support him. The problem is, he was not interested in recovery. He wanted to keep using and for me to put up with it. He was great at blaming everyone else and making excuses, not so great at being honest and holding himself accountable
It wasn't an easy decision to file for divorce, but I am in a much happier and peaceful place and I'm so grateful to be here. SR became a lifeline for me and it also helped to join a support group in my area. Whatever you decide to do, please know that many of us here know exactly what you're going through and we're here to offer you our support. Sending you lots of hugs.