I guess it also boils down to I don't have anyone to give me a positive reflection of myself. no family or friends since they dropped me years ago. Well, I dropped my family. This situation is a lot to handle on my own. The best I could get is paying someone to talk to about it. Buy someone's time. And that doesn't appeal. That's not like a family member or friend who has known you and can say something about you or your life because they were there with you.
Having been no contact with family for years I don't even have any history of myself. All I know is what I can recall being told by them- that I'm ugly and stupid. A space case. Ashamed of.
That's a big loss that leaves a permanent mark.