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Sleepie's Testing Countdown Support Thread

Old 04-06-2016, 06:47 PM
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Sleepie's Testing Countdown Support Thread

Well I took a cue from some of the "Support" threads here and after thinking on it decided to start one on my own.

Many of you know I am facing a very difficult prospect in the near future- testing regarding my accurately self diagnosed learning disorder, confirmed by a neuro-psychologist. I have spoken of it before and all the pain it has cause me in life, from social aspects to addiction to one suicide attempt and many failed jobs.

I think anyone would feel a lot of difficult emotions in such a situation. And my grey matter doesn't happen to be built for such things, in short I am not so great at processing emotions. I have 'em, but don't really know what to do with them or about them or even if I am having the ones I think I am having... And a number of other things. Ugh.

But I digress. As usual. Ok, SO. The point is, I am thinking about, fantasizing, rationalizing and even to a degree planning to drink or use benzos again. I don't wanna go too much more into it but that is the gist of things. So this is my support thread to check in with until I go for my tests in a few weeks, to ensure that I do not drink/use again. I don't think I will come back if I do, I rather think it will be the end of me.

I only ask that right now, while I am feeling pretty raw and sad, maybe don't try and push the whole "positivity" thing on me. One cannot "positive attitude" their way out of a learning disorder and believe me I have tried- only to crash and burn time and time again.

What it boils down to is, I have lived my entire life with an undiagnosed disorder that has badly affected every aspect of my life. I do not have family, they are/were very abusive to me. I am also struggling greatly with the fact that I now know why I have been mistreated and ostracized quite a bit in my life. It hurts. I need to know it's ok to feel bad about these things. Because I do feel bad. And I think it's an appropriate reaction to the situation.

Ok well I hope to see you here... I am sad and rather... feeling frail right now. This is a lot to process and accept about one's self, especially when you have been told all your life you are s***, even by your own folks and family, ever since you were just a kid with no defenses. I have literally no family and the only one relative I did have who was kind to me died years ago- another thing I had to deal with entirely alone as I have most things in my life. I just "sucked it up". After so much of that, a person begins to crumble.

So I am trying to stay sane and straight and sober for the next few weeks... and beyond.
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Old 04-06-2016, 08:07 PM
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Hugs Sleeps. I have faith in you. Feeling like using doesn't mean you have to use. It's just a feeling.

I heard this song on the way into work today. I sang along and thought about you and that thread you started the other day.

PS that same ride in there was something on the radio about how you can trick your mind into tasting salt. All you have to do is tip your head back and pretend like you are shaking salt into your mouth from a shaker. Then supposedly your brain will register a salty taste in the back of your mouth. Don't fall for it Sleeps or some guy driving next to you will start laughing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47y5bo8wtqM
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Old 04-06-2016, 08:09 PM
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This a great idea sleepie

D
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Old 04-06-2016, 08:39 PM
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LOL ok SR... Thanks Dee.

I have withdrawn from much of life lately. Since the last crash and burn at the last job,I have been coming to accept that I haven't really a place in life. I mean heck even my own family never wanted me and I paid for the fact that I was a "mistake".

I've never fit in and was made to know I was unwanted by all those around me when I was young. Later as an adult I was more ostracized and excluded from things. Talked about behind my back at work and other such things that adults bond over.

Today's ever more shallow world where people are commended and applauded not for things they do but for their selfies and proclamations via social media, snark contests and blatant fishing for validation leaves me feeling even more ostracized and alone. I can't partake much. And adults are prone more and more to behave like teens in the face of all this. Oh, I try and partake- but for example, I may share on social media a drawing I've made- however a picture of someone's shoe collection or their face with a new eyeshadow will garner far more attention.

I don't have what it takes for those reindeer games. That leads to the big "L" in HALT.

Also I am getting a little annoyed with people who strictly self diagnose and decide they have a thing, based on absolutely nothing. It really demeans the genuine hardship and heartbreak someone like me has gone through in life. Because they have not. I am here, now, at this place- jobless and uninsured again, after many, many years of being dirt poor and getting by on the meager wages to be had doing labor jobs- after surviving everything I described above, and suffering the consequences of a neurological disorder, because I do in fact have that disorder. And my entire life has suffered greatly for it.

I am wearing thin with people convincing themselves they are slightly quirky and so must have something. The alienation, sadness, confusion and life difficulties this has caused me go far and beyond a few simple quirks.
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Old 04-06-2016, 08:44 PM
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I am just trying to save my own neck Dee. Not sure why anymore. But I did speak with another SR member here who's sensitivity and patience towards me, and heck appreciation even, gave me the gonads to go ahead with this thread. I hope that I can return it to them as they mean quite a lot to me.
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Old 04-06-2016, 09:00 PM
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I'll be here for your thread! Great idea! Xoxo
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Old 04-06-2016, 09:01 PM
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I'm really impressed with your continued courage, sleepie. I don't have much to say beyond that.

... Except I'd be sad to hear you started using again. I don't think people who use realize the loss it is to the world when they're wasted. You may not think much of yourself, but I get a lot out of your posts and just out of knowing that you're staying the sober course, in spite of your past & your neurology, contributing your thoughts, words and pictures to this weird little community. If you pick up booze & benzos again, all that just goes pffft.

Knowing addicts and alcoholics from both sides now, I know the goodness of a good sober soul like you, and the grief when someone like you picks up.

There, I said a lot. You made me!!!
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Old 04-06-2016, 09:03 PM
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Thanks you guys!

It is 13 days til the tests. 5 hours straight. Ugh. Not looking forward to it and the only thing worse is results.
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Old 04-06-2016, 09:10 PM
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I agree with courage, I love your posts too.
I would really miss you if you left.
Will comment further later, just home from work xx
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Old 04-06-2016, 10:03 PM
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Sleepie, I think starting this thread is a great idea. I will definitely be checking in and supporting you all the way.
I know I speak for many, when I say how much you are cherished here on SR.
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Old 04-06-2016, 10:11 PM
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Ok I'm back.

I kinda get how you feel to a certain extent sleepie.
I was a mistake too, my sister and brother have the same dad, and I was an accident while my ma was kinda being free spirited.
My sister, brother and pretty much everyone were pretty mean to me growing up, actually really mean to me.
I had severely low self esteem.
It was so petty that my half sibling's dad would buy the other kids ice cream and not me ( the only one standing there)
I know this sounds a rather pathetic thing; but to a kid this was really upsetting, and it wasn't just that- it was everything- even for xmas or my birthday I wouldn't get gifts except from my mother.
I had a severe inferiority complex- really bad, achingly shy.
I still isolate, I'm really incredibly friendly and chatty now- but to actually get close to me is nearly impossible.
I also understand the dirt poor thing- my mom and I were food bank people, I remember I embarrassed her when a neighbour invited us to dinner when I was a child, and I accidentally told them we had no food.

Not trying to make your thread about me, just trying to let you know I understand that feeling somewhat.
I remember one day it dawned on me that I wasn't worthless and completely below everyone- it was a weird feeling because I always felt that way.


I just met you and you probably already explained this somewhere, but how did you accurately self diagnose? That's quite clever.

Maybe I'm not helping! But I'm trying!
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Old 04-06-2016, 10:14 PM
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Sleepie... I'm going to follow your thread. I've been reading a lot of your posts and I really like you.

I feel a lot of sadness today too. I have for awhile. Early sobriety has been a lonely and bleak trudge for me.
I feel I can relate a lot to your words. There's not a lot of kindness in the world for those dealing with mental health problems and addictions.

If you ever want a bud to call out and stay sober with you for 24 hours or even just an hour I'm there for you.

You have much courage my friend. Even if you don't feel it. When you can't keep flying by your own cape your Sr family is here for you. We can lift you up.

I do hope the testing brings some kind of helpful answers for you. Youre in my thoughts my friend.
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Old 04-06-2016, 10:17 PM
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Oh yeah... I always have been and likely always will be an outsider too. I'm finding it hard to figure out how to fit in in my new skin now... I isolate too.
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Old 04-06-2016, 10:24 PM
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Just for the record, not sure if you knew- but I relapsed the other day.
A few good friends from SR here emailed me and brought me back.
People here really do care xoxo
Stick with it- you're really not an outsider here, we get it.
Xoxo
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Old 04-06-2016, 10:24 PM
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Jsbodhi I am glad you shared your tale here. Let's be... "happy accidents"...? Or something resembling them...

That is awful about the way you were treated. I too was treated badly by adults as a child and I cannot fathom any of it, it seems not petty but downright cruel. I mean come on, the child is an innocent party especially when it comes to the circumstances under which they came to be?

Well that self diagnosis was a long time coming. About 8 years ago, I obtained some tests from when I was a kid- every single year from kindergarten up. But most importantly, an IQ test. two of them actually, taken within about 8 months of each other when I was near old enough to drive. I saw an enormous disparity between my verbal and non verbal score and just started googling it.

I thought I would discover I had ADD as I had suspected it for near 2 decades and anyway have a neurological disorder that it often accompanies. It turns out I probably do have it according to the neuropsychologist I will be testing with. But I digress.

So anyway up pops "non verbal learning disorder" over and over. My heart sank. I immediately went in to denial. But life continued to prove over and again that I could not just forget about it and go ahead and live successfully. So from time to time I'd look into it again not knowing what to do. I'd bring it up to therapists who would only get frustrated and not know what I wanted or demean me like the guy who kept calling me "deficient". After many years I finally figured out I needed a neuropsychologist to talk to and so I did.
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Old 04-06-2016, 10:31 PM
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There were also a lot of other things that clued me in when I looked it up- for one thing the very first site that popped up was about disorders that are often co-morbid with the neurological disorder I was diagnosed with as a kid. So that said plenty. And, there are other symptoms that make me just straight up "textbook". And those damning IQ tests... oh well...

Thanks jsbodhi, I was telling the neuro-psych dr that I actually felt like I was pretty insightful and smart to figure it out for myself and that at least I didn't drink myself to death (knock on wood) before I got to it.

Thank you Delidazee and Croutie I will be glad to see you here!

now, nvld is not a mental illness- it is neurological. However, secondary to that is heaps and heaps of anxiety and what I am told is it's nasty cousin- depression, which I am not so great at realizing.

Jsbodhi, I am sorry you relapsed! And glad you are back. Now next time why don't you reach out l like I did here? It's truly "Ask and you shall receive" here when you need help, thank you my SR friends.
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Old 04-06-2016, 10:34 PM
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Hi Sleepie, glad to see you with your own thread.

Talking of who was a "mistake" I was too, and always told it when I was young.
My mother was 16, still at school and unmarried in the early 60s when they were still locking unmarried mothers in insitutions!
She always blamed me for "trapping" her into marrying my father. I told her she should have kept her hand on her tuppence (as they used to say in those days)
If you took all of the "mistakes" out of this world...there wouldn't be many people left I reckon.

Plus, my spiritual belief, is that if we are meant to be here, we are, we come here to experience different life lessons in the flesh. It's not up to other people whether we "deserve" to be here or not!

My grandson little chicken has social and emotional and social difficulties, they are not sure if its neurological , from brain damage, or if he has some type of autism. And like you say, sometimes people are not so understanding of the hurdles others have, so I fear for him sometimes. My son has ADHD and epilepsy, my grandson has the epilepsy, and acts hyper too..poor little soul.

Like others say on this thread, it would be a real loss if you went back to drinking/using, to here, and to yourself.
Have you thought what benefit you would get from doing that apart from the very very short term? Surely it would make things worse?

I'm dirt poor too sleepie, its no fun! But drinking or drugging is not going to help with the money situation. You are very charming, and kind and you can't buy that!!
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Old 04-06-2016, 10:43 PM
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Hello lein, and thank you! Yeah parents really lay some crazy blame on their kids. I mean it's absurd to me.

I think that you care very much for little chicken and I hope that you will be someone who loves him no matter what! He will need it if his school mates turn out to be anything like mine, he will need that love. I think you will give it to him though

It is often debated whether to put nvld on the autism spectrum.

As far as drinking... I think I am in the clear after starting this thread. It would make things worse. But one of the things I struggle with is "What would it matter what happens to someone like me anyway?". A diagnosis like this can make a person feel like they really don't matter, or can never attain anything for themselves in life.

Really though the benzos are the threat, I think about them a lot. I knew I was having trouble when I had lunch with my source... "just lunch". All I have to do is say the word.

As far as being poor... well this may be bad... but I think there is national health care where you are? I have had a lot of female health issues this year along with my regular upkeep stuff... and well when all your money goes to the doctors and you are even worse off then for money, it hits ya right in the person! I mean I would save so much if I didn't have to get nickel and dimed for every darn thing.

And I appreciate your kind comments lein and because I have a fetish for vocabulary from time to time I am now off to read the actual definition of "charm" because linguistic nuances excite me... lately I have been enjoying this and used to carry a dictionary around for fun in my bag... and read it... and it was noted. And that is when I began to take more note of "weird" behaviors that I should not do lol
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Old 04-06-2016, 11:00 PM
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Delidazee do I have it right, too, that you are coming up on 2 months sober in about a week or so?

Awesome
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Old 04-06-2016, 11:07 PM
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haha Sleepie. Charm means, to me, very likable.
I know about the health situation where you are and that is bad. But our NHS is all but dying on its feet..even though people have NI taken out of their wages along with tax meant to keep the NHS running.
If anyone doesn't deserve to be born its these rich polititions and bankers who have the rest of us in a strangle hold, struggling for pennies.

They are also making me "work" for my £70 a week dole money..even though thats meant to be another reason you pay taxes! Tax in this country is 20% of your wages, then theres NI they take off..this is meant for the welfare state!
Then they have a thing called Council tax, you have to pay every week over £25 a week. People who work in this country are taxed so much, and what they get in terms of the welfare state is getting less and less...the money is all going to people who are already super rich..and GREEDY

Taking pills, will only add to your health problems?
The money you spend on those could be spent on healthy food, to keep you feeling well
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