Finalizing divorce. I hate heroin.
I feel like I'm going to throw up. He begged me not to complete the divorce because he wants there to still be a chance for our family, but I filed the final paperwork today.
I feel awful, I still love him, he's the father of my child and (truly) a victim in many ways.. maybe I should have waited???! But wait for what, exactly?? And I've already waited so long. Given so many chances, alternatives, ultimatums. I even deferred divorce proceedings for a 28-day inpatient, which drained the last of our financial resources.. He relapsed within a few days and refused to follow up with Vivitrol or IOP/meetings like he promised.
Since then, he's wired himself $ from my credit card, forged my signature on a check from a closed account, cashed his entire paycheck which was supposed to be used for a down payment on a new place (I've been begging him to move out for many months).
He recently switched from smoking heroin to shooting it, and he's taking the week off work because his bosses are suspicious of his bizarre behavior and random illnesses.. he doesn't want to get drug tested before his Suboxone appointment (that I forced him to make). He's a VERY good employee otherwise, so they put up with crap (or have so far).
Our 2 yr old says "Dada is sick, he needs to sleep." I can't even begin to list all the heartbreaking interactions between them.
His communication with me is a mix of apology and self pity. Example.. "I have to spend the rest of my life knowing I caused this divorce." "I don't think I can continue living with the knowledge of all the pain I've caused." His thinly veiled suicide threats are terrifying.. I don't think he'd follow through but I can't assume! And just being a heroin addict puts him on the verge of death every day. My poor daughter!!!! My ignorance of the true nature of addiction means she has to live with this insanity as long as her father is in her life.
I want him out of the house so badly but I think it may come down to eviction proceedings. Every day is a nightmare, and unpredictable/confusing for the baby. How can I detach with love when he's living in the guest bedroom? When I never know what new way he'll think of to rob me blind? I sleep with my laptop so he won't pawn it.
Even so, I'm tempted to idealize our marriage (??!) so I'm consciously trying to remember things as they really were. Constant worry on my part, anger and deception on his. Never knowing whether he was lying, even on good days. Covering for him. Praying for God to change his heart. Rejoicing when we had a nice time as a family, despite walking on eggshells.
Honestly, most of the good times were when he was high. He'd tell me I looked pretty, he'd play with the baby and even say she was "so cute"... I almost wanted him to use, so I wasn't in limbo trying to anticipate his mood. When he was high, I could relax and bask in my self-righteous bitterness. So much nicer than uncertainty and fear, but just as unhealthy.
I guess this was more of a rant than a question, but I want there to be a record of reality. Thanks for listening, and for just being there. SR has been a lifesaver for me.