Your situation is so sickeningly similar to mine. Nearly IDENTICAL, in a scary way. And my heart really goes out to you. Feel free to message me if need be. I was able to get a PO against my ex that included my daughter under the rules of our custody order. Not sure where you live but I could at least tell you how I was able to get that far. Anyways I am here. I know this pain, and it is the WORST. Attacking every insecurity, all the pain and torment you already inflict on yourself-it seems in guilt in some way. And I am the same.
((hugs))
Reach out at any time. YOU ARE DOING GREAT!!