Wishful78

Alert: LONG ONE
Today is one month completely sober of anything. The last time I did that was for two months of my wife's first pregnancy 2 years ago. A year before that I had stopped for 3 months because of a bad black out experience where I pissed off my wife and wanted to prove that booze isn't as important as anyone thought it was to me. That was the first time I had ever posted on here. Right now she is pregnant again, we are trying to sell a business, and getting ready to put a business on the market. So much is going on that I don't even have interest in drinking or any other mind altering potions. I have also steadily been in therapy and also come on here a lot lately to find people in similar scenarios. As individuals I realize we never truly will find anyone exactly like us. We are all different no matter what. That's the beauty of life and individuality. Anyone would be able to tell from my prior posts I am not and I have never been the type of alcoholic that drinks everyday. And truthfully it was less then ever before I stopped last month. I would never go on a bender that lasts more then a night. Those days are long behind. I don't drink and drive, beat my wife, become verbally abusive, start fights, or get arrested. My wife's major problem (and often my own) has always been that when I go too far and get completely baby brain drunk I am unavailable and annoying. Also if I get loaded enough I am guaranteed to be depressed and unmotivated for a couple of hangover days after. Even if there is nothing to be depressed about. Some of that got worse when I went on Lexapro for anxiety. I also had more black outs then usual once I was on Lexapro. I should say that when I do drink I am the type that can have one or two and stop. The catch is I have to really try. And that's what makes me realize I am an alcoholic. I have to really try to pace myself. It can be draining and annoying. The times I get loaded are when I just give in. But when I try and have 1 or 2 and pace myself I succeed. This goes for everything in my life. Doesn't that make me an everythingaholic haha? I have issues with limitations in things. If it's eating pizza and I say I'm going to have only two slices I usually cave and have three. And on the real failed nights 4. If it was pot (used to smoke it a lot) and I said I was going to only have a hit or two then it started to feel good I would keep going. If it's anything I like I like I have to work to limit it. I guess it comes down to if there are things that are worth having to deal with the frustration of limiting. With booze you'd figure after most of the dumb stuff I have had to deal with from failed pacing attempts I would finally be done. I know the worst thing I can say on here is I'm not sure if I am. But I don't want to come on here and be dishonest. I am not sure if I'm done. I know I don't want to drink today. And already know for tomorrow too. I had said in a prior post I would beat my 3 months from a couple of years ago and that's what I'm dedicated to doing. Looking back at that post (which was on a terrible hangover day where my wife wasn't talking to me) it seems counterproductive and stupid. So what beat the three months and go right back to square one?!? That's idiotic. Setting a three month or two month or one year etc is stupid I need to do day by day. And everyday be honest. I really don't know if I'm done with it. But today I am. And I am pretty damn positive tomorrow and the next day too. But planning for a month 2 months or a year is one of my problems as well. When it comes to dieting I do same thing. No wheat/low carbs for two months full dedication. Then when they are back in diet I go nuts. Back to square one. Not the right way. I guess amongst all my madness I need to start changing other things. I think therapy has been helping a lot. I just need to keep trying. And I know staying away from alcohol is best right now. So I need to stay in the right now. Maybe eventually I will wake up and say alcohol is just best to stay away from forever and move forward and never look back. Just not there yet. But at least today where I am I am ok. Hope all of you are ok too.