Wishful78

Alert: LONG ONE
Today is one month completely sober of anything. The last time I did that was for two months of my wife's first pregnancy 2 years ago. A year before that I had stopped for 3 months because of a bad black out experience where I pissed off my wife and wanted to prove that booze isn't as important as anyone thought it was to me. That was the first time I had ever posted on here. Right now she is pregnant again, we are trying to sell a business, and getting ready to put a business on the market. So much is going on that I don't even have interest in drinking or any other mind altering potions. I have also steadily been in therapy and also come on here a lot lately to find people in similar scenarios. As individuals I realize we never truly will find anyone exactly like us. We are all different no matter what. That's the beauty of life and individuality. Anyone would be able to tell from my prior posts I am not and I have never been the type of alcoholic that drinks everyday. And truthfully it was less then ever before I stopped last month. I would never go on a bender that lasts more then a night. Those days are long behind. I don't drink and drive, beat my wife, become verbally abusive, start fights, or get arrested. My wife's major problem (and often my own) has always been that when I go too far and get completely baby brain drunk I am unavailable and annoying. Also if I get loaded enough I am guaranteed to be depressed and unmotivated for a couple of hangover days after. Even if there is nothing to be depressed about. Some of that got worse when I went on Lexapro for anxiety. I also had more black outs then usual once I was on Lexapro. I should say that when I do drink I am the type that can have one or two and stop. The catch is I have to really try. And that's what makes me realize I am an alcoholic. I have to really try to pace myself. It can be draining and annoying. The times I get loaded are when I just give in. But when I try and have 1 or 2 and pace myself I succeed. This goes for everything in my life. Doesn't that make me an everythingaholic haha? I have issues with limitations in things. If it's eating pizza and I say I'm going to have only two slices I usually cave and have three. And on the real failed nights 4. If it was pot (used to smoke it a lot) and I said I was going to only have a hit or two then it started to feel good I would keep going. If it's anything I like I like I have to work to limit it. I guess it comes down to if there are things that are worth having to deal with the frustration of limiting. With booze you'd figure after most of the dumb stuff I have had to deal with from failed pacing attempts I would finally be done. I know the worst thing I can say on here is I'm not sure if I am. But I don't want to come on here and be dishonest. I am not sure if I'm done. I know I don't want to drink today. And already know for tomorrow too. I had said in a prior post I would beat my 3 months from a couple of years ago and that's what I'm dedicated to doing. Looking back at that post (which was on a terrible hangover day where my wife wasn't talking to me) it seems counterproductive and stupid. So what beat the three months and go right back to square one?!? That's idiotic. Setting a three month or two month or one year etc is stupid I need to do day by day. And everyday be honest. I really don't know if I'm done with it. But today I am. And I am pretty damn positive tomorrow and the next day too. But planning for a month 2 months or a year is one of my problems as well. When it comes to dieting I do same thing. No wheat/low carbs for two months full dedication. Then when they are back in diet I go nuts. Back to square one. Not the right way. I guess amongst all my madness I need to start changing other things. I think therapy has been helping a lot. I just need to keep trying. And I know staying away from alcohol is best right now. So I need to stay in the right now. Maybe eventually I will wake up and say alcohol is just best to stay away from forever and move forward and never look back. Just not there yet. But at least today where I am I am ok. Hope all of you are ok too.

zjw

thats the best bet stay sober one day at a time. I've heard it said the guy with 20 years sobriety really only has 1 day just like anyone else. or something along those lines. Because the nature of this disorder is just like that it doesnt matter how long you've been sober for or not you can easily slip up.

it seems to be pretty common for alcohlics to be all or nothing type people who have issues moderating. That being said for me I"ve had to just eliminate bad things from my life that I'm unable to moderate. Then good things I bring in and yeah well I obssess over them but they are good things like healthy eating and excercise etc.. For me this approach works.

FBL

The past is gone and the future is uncertain, so all we really have is today. Each morning when I wake up I say to myself "I will not drink today". It's worked for me for almost seven years now.

sleepie

Hi Wishful, I think with some time away from alcohol you'll see the benefits. One thing I think of is "Been there, done that". We've had enough to drink in our time, time to move on to something new... and it never hurts to maintain a clear mind and be hangover free in regards to our relationships or life changes right?

I think you'll do well, just stay sober. You can do it!

waynetheking

One month is AWESOME. ..one day at a time. ...

Wishful78

Thanks everyone. And sleepie saying life changes are easier without hangovers is an understatement. I can't imagine having a bad hangover day the way my life is right now. It horrifies me. I am thankful I feel that way. I know it's for the better

Thumpalumpacus

This is it, for me. Living in the now. Every morning I wake up, after my shower I look in the mirror and say my mantra: "I am a sober person. I will not drink today. Nothing is more important than my sobriety."

And when the day gets to me, I go between that, the Serenity Prayer, and a gratitude attitude.

Wishful78

Here I am at 3 months sober. Its now even clearer that if alcohol is not something I can have in my life I will be able to go on without it and not struggle a lot. I will say that just like the last time I took extensive sober time I have solidified yet again AA is not for me. I have been to meetings. I have spoken and been to readings as well. I have very close family and friends in AA. Unfortunately they may even be the reason for some of the dislike I have for it. I just don't like how it rules their life. But it's how alcohol ruled their life so I definitely understand. Would rather it be AA of course. Alcohol just doesn't run my life that way. So as of now it's not for me. I would never say never to anything though. I do feel like I need to come here and be honest. If anything coming on here has helped me more then any of it. I don't know if I am done. I know I won't drink today. Or tomorrow. But just know myself and that now that I have some sobriety under my belt I may try again. But I don't know. In this time I have had pretty much everyone in my life say "just go ahead and have a drink". My wife, friends, family. All of them. Not the sober people though of course. A lot of sober people tend to act out in similar ways of the drunk people with their mingling. They like the company of other sober people to sit and watch the really drunk people and reassure each other that it's what they are so glad is out of their lives. Or that they never have to deal with. Just like the drunks like to sit and look at each other all loaded and loath the sober people. It's quite an interesting game. The insecurities and projections that go on are very similar to the skinny/fat fit/unfit human reactions. That's not everyone in either community though there are people that are very in touch with them selves and don't act out that way. Matter of fact you can find a lot of them here.
I write this today because I know everyone comes on here to be honest. Dishonesty is counterproductive. And it's nice to look at myself in relation to others in these posts. And also have a detailed time line in my posts. If I come here in 2 months/ a year or even 5 years and I am hungover distraught over my decisions with alcohol I will be able to track my progress and digression. But for today I am sober. And will stay that way. Hope everyone is doing well. And doing what is best for themselves.

waynetheking

AA is not for everyone. But it's a program that has proven to be helpful to many alcoholics. The main thing is that you just don't drink. Regardless of how you do it.
3 months is great. Just stay busy and stay away from drinking. Im really happy for you wishful. You're doing fine.

advbike

I also prefer not to get too wrapped up in AA. I do attend meetings occasionally when my ego is running rampant.. It's a good reminder of my disease. But I find that daily participation keeps me from moving on. It is a constant reminder of alcohol, something I normally might not even think about for days at a time. In fact, the last time I seriously wanted a drink to calm a very frustrating day, I had attended a lunch meeting. I personally find the concept of a "daily reprieve" simply forces dependence on the program. Just my opinion. As I said, I do attend meetings sometimes.

Soberwolf

Congratulations on 3 months

Wishful78

Thank you soberwolf

entropy1964

Congrats on 3 months. However a person achieves recovery (not just abstinence) is up to them. Whatever works. I try not to judge.

Wishful78

Well Frickaflip it may very well just be abstinence. That's what this thread says from the beginning. I don't know if I am done. I may have a beer today. I may not. It's up to me. But I am just happy that I am more in touch with who I am and not in denial of my potentials good and bad. These decisions are ours for better or worse. Perhaps I will one day be someone who comes on here and posts that I am fully dedicated to sobriety in every way. And I said in above post I never say never to AA. It just doesn't work for me now. I am just not there yet. I am however leaps and bounds beyond where i have ever been in life. I hope you are doing well and I appreciate your feedback.

Wishful78

Just to add to the above comments. Even if all this time is just abstinence I still think it matters and makes a difference. I didn't even figure I would go this long without a drink to be honest. Here I am well beyond the three months I had said at the beginning I was going to do. The last time I did an extended sobriety of three months years ago as soon as those three months were up you couldn't stop me from getting to that drink. This time I'm not so quick matter-of-fact I am more hesitant. Last night I almost had a beer with my wife and sister in law and I decided against it. I'm thinking about things a lot more. I got a lot of work to do and I'll figure out what's best as I go. So I guess what I'm saying is that even if it's just abstinence for the three months or however much longer I go it's still meaning something to me and matters to what I will do in the future I think. I know a lot of people will say well if you're not dedicated to being sober the rest of your life and you just did to three months well then you should probably just have kept drinking because it's counterproductive but I don't agree with that at all. I have had nothing to affect my brain or alter my mind in months and I've learned a lot and grown a lot whatever happens from here it's still matters to me that I did it. I know I can do it again and for longer and longer if I choose. Maybe forever. Or just stay the course I am still on now of where I am now not doing it. My decision. Yes I know a lot of you would say limbo state is most dangerous but I think the limbo state is much less dangerous than any sort of denial state. The denial state of saying there's nothing here for me to step back and examine about me and my relationship with alcohol. I know I will never be in that denial place again. I came here for a reason and I know that I got to keep in touch with what those reasons are. Today I am happily sober so on with the show.

freshstart57

I will never now drink. That is my contract with myself and everything else.

advbike

You're doing really great. Sobriety leads to many personal developments. Be careful making the assumption that sobriety of the sort you have achieved is easily repeatable. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.

In my case, it took 21 years to achieve a year of sobriety the second time around after I threw it away the first time. So instead of figuring things out at age 37, I started again at age 58. I'm holding onto it this time, lol.

Arbor

The one thing I keep telling myself lately is that there is no benefit to drinking alcohol. It's completely 100% not necessary to consume a known toxin to be happy and enjoy life.

Keep moving forward. Your doing great.

Wishful78

Thanks everyone your input means a lot. Another day. More work to be done.