sleepie

Well I took a cue from some of the "Support" threads here and after thinking on it decided to start one on my own.

Many of you know I am facing a very difficult prospect in the near future- testing regarding my accurately self diagnosed learning disorder, confirmed by a neuro-psychologist. I have spoken of it before and all the pain it has cause me in life, from social aspects to addiction to one suicide attempt and many failed jobs.

I think anyone would feel a lot of difficult emotions in such a situation. And my grey matter doesn't happen to be built for such things, in short I am not so great at processing emotions. I have 'em, but don't really know what to do with them or about them or even if I am having the ones I think I am having... And a number of other things. Ugh.

But I digress. As usual. Ok, SO. The point is, I am thinking about, fantasizing, rationalizing and even to a degree planning to drink or use benzos again. I don't wanna go too much more into it but that is the gist of things. So this is my support thread to check in with until I go for my tests in a few weeks, to ensure that I do not drink/use again. I don't think I will come back if I do, I rather think it will be the end of me.

I only ask that right now, while I am feeling pretty raw and sad, maybe don't try and push the whole "positivity" thing on me. One cannot "positive attitude" their way out of a learning disorder and believe me I have tried- only to crash and burn time and time again.

What it boils down to is, I have lived my entire life with an undiagnosed disorder that has badly affected every aspect of my life. I do not have family, they are/were very abusive to me. I am also struggling greatly with the fact that I now know why I have been mistreated and ostracized quite a bit in my life. It hurts. I need to know it's ok to feel bad about these things. Because I do feel bad. And I think it's an appropriate reaction to the situation.

Ok well I hope to see you here... I am sad and rather... feeling frail right now. This is a lot to process and accept about one's self, especially when you have been told all your life you are s***, even by your own folks and family, ever since you were just a kid with no defenses. I have literally no family and the only one relative I did have who was kind to me died years ago- another thing I had to deal with entirely alone as I have most things in my life. I just "sucked it up". After so much of that, a person begins to crumble.

So I am trying to stay sane and straight and sober for the next few weeks... and beyond.