I did not drink today. It's been an emotional roller coaster. Things that wouldn't normally illicit an emotional response have been overwhelming. I know this is nicotine withdrawal but that knowledge doesn't help.
My computer (livelihood) crashed. I had to call my employers to have them pick up the slack while I repaired the issue. I was too angry, sad, despondent, crying, etc. to even begin working on it. I ate a giant piece of chocolate cake, drank some chamomile tea and smoked 1/2 a cigarette to get my mind calm enough to handle the problem. By the time I had the issue resolved, I had lost 1/2 the work day. Here's the upside of the roller coaster part. My boss is sending me a new operating system, a really, really nice operating system. I am elated!
Later in the day the embodiment of all my addictions showed up on my doorstep and invited me to a party tonight. I know that I cannot go. I make another cup of chamomile tea and smoke the other 1/2 of the cigarette. My entire body is so tense that I feel like I am going to explode. I set the temperature on the Jacuzzi. It's not heating up. I simply do not have the mental capacity at this moment to diagnose and repair the Jacuzzi.
I should have already taken a shower and put jammies on so that the party would no longer be an option. I keep telling myself that I'm not going. But the intelligent voice in my head says, "If that's true, then why are you still dressed"? This is the most fragile, the most unstable, I have been since I quit drinking.