vaya

I just needed to share my sadness about my AS. He now lives in his own studio low income apt, about 5 blocks from my job. He has been going to the methadone clinic almost 8-9 months, on a relatively low dose. He has had his ups and downs while on his own but did get called back to his previous job, then laid off again, with promise of employment in couple weeks again.
He had been doing much better it seemed while on the methadone . When he takes benzos he is a mess. Last night he had another episode of losing everything (wallet, phone, money, keys) and having panic attacks.I had called him all morning to take him to clinic but couldnt reach him. he then shows up at my job, which is a rehab, looking for me.
When I go down to get him he is a total mess. He didn't know where anything was, where he was the night before, etc. I was glad he was there so we could go to clinic and get him stabilized on his dose. He was completely out of it, punching himself for losing everything, looking for something to cut with and even tried to jump out of the car while I was driving. i had to grab his shirt and keep him inside. I said we would go to hospital if he continued like that. He was nuts. however, after getting his dose he did calm down.
After clinic we go to his place and I was devastated by what I saw. it was a total disaster, since he tore the place apart at some point looking for things. Turns out his wallet and phone were right on his table and keys somehow fell behind bed.
The sad part was the number of syringes I saw everywhere and bits of foil. He has been smoking and shooting heroin, apparently pretty regularly, while i thought he was trying to quit or at least do less.
Guess it was an eye opener and reality check. He has presented much better to me when we go to clinic in am and had pulled it together better. He is struggling with continuing on methadone, because 'it doesn't do anything.' i find some resolve in the fact the he continues to go to clinic because it does help. From his perspective Ithink he continues the methadone since it prevents him from getting sick when he uses. But the catch 22 is that he has to spend so much money on heroin and it hardly does anything.
We talk about the insanity of that, but he clearly isn't ready to stop using . I have to accept that and do. I guess seeing him all messed up on pills and not knowing where anything was and then seeing the state of his apt. and needles was a real eye opener and burst the bubble I had that he was doing better. ( He may be doing a bit better, but bottom line is he is still using.)
So..I am deeply saddened by the state he was in. I stayed strong and did not help him financially to cover the losses he suffered from lost drugs. What is so very hard is to see that he really can't live on his own, but he can't live with me. This place is an amazing $50 month, even if it is near Skid Row in LA. When he has no structure, like a job or other he becomes completely unraveled and spirals down. he is trying to save what's left in his bank account, but desperate to come up and to get drugs. After work I took him for a burger and gave him a few $ for cigarettes, but not enough to replace what he had lost. He was exhausted and probably hadn't slept the night before, or may have blacked out. he couldn't remember.
When someone is as sick as he is, and there is a mental health component, it makes it harder to see and to detach. My contact does help stabilize him, but he needs to handle things more on his own. he has suffered consequences before of jail and homelessnes, but just can't and isn't ready to really stop using. I see that and can't do a thing about it except pray for him, let him know I love him, and try to be a voice of wisdom and encouragement.
I just really needed to share my disappointment and sadness and don't know what, if anything , I should do. It's very painful to see someone take such an abrupt turn. He is depressed and lonely. he can go to mental health clinic, but doesn't because they won't give him the medicine he claims helps him. I'm so afraid for him.