So sad- AS still using despite methadone

Old 03-26-2016, 07:42 PM
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Unhappy So sad- AS still using despite methadone

I just needed to share my sadness about my AS. He now lives in his own studio low income apt, about 5 blocks from my job. He has been going to the methadone clinic almost 8-9 months, on a relatively low dose. He has had his ups and downs while on his own but did get called back to his previous job, then laid off again, with promise of employment in couple weeks again.
He had been doing much better it seemed while on the methadone . When he takes benzos he is a mess. Last night he had another episode of losing everything (wallet, phone, money, keys) and having panic attacks.I had called him all morning to take him to clinic but couldnt reach him. he then shows up at my job, which is a rehab, looking for me.
When I go down to get him he is a total mess. He didn't know where anything was, where he was the night before, etc. I was glad he was there so we could go to clinic and get him stabilized on his dose. He was completely out of it, punching himself for losing everything, looking for something to cut with and even tried to jump out of the car while I was driving. i had to grab his shirt and keep him inside. I said we would go to hospital if he continued like that. He was nuts. however, after getting his dose he did calm down.
After clinic we go to his place and I was devastated by what I saw. it was a total disaster, since he tore the place apart at some point looking for things. Turns out his wallet and phone were right on his table and keys somehow fell behind bed.
The sad part was the number of syringes I saw everywhere and bits of foil. He has been smoking and shooting heroin, apparently pretty regularly, while i thought he was trying to quit or at least do less.
Guess it was an eye opener and reality check. He has presented much better to me when we go to clinic in am and had pulled it together better. He is struggling with continuing on methadone, because 'it doesn't do anything.' i find some resolve in the fact the he continues to go to clinic because it does help. From his perspective Ithink he continues the methadone since it prevents him from getting sick when he uses. But the catch 22 is that he has to spend so much money on heroin and it hardly does anything.
We talk about the insanity of that, but he clearly isn't ready to stop using . I have to accept that and do. I guess seeing him all messed up on pills and not knowing where anything was and then seeing the state of his apt. and needles was a real eye opener and burst the bubble I had that he was doing better. ( He may be doing a bit better, but bottom line is he is still using.)
So..I am deeply saddened by the state he was in. I stayed strong and did not help him financially to cover the losses he suffered from lost drugs. What is so very hard is to see that he really can't live on his own, but he can't live with me. This place is an amazing $50 month, even if it is near Skid Row in LA. When he has no structure, like a job or other he becomes completely unraveled and spirals down. he is trying to save what's left in his bank account, but desperate to come up and to get drugs. After work I took him for a burger and gave him a few $ for cigarettes, but not enough to replace what he had lost. He was exhausted and probably hadn't slept the night before, or may have blacked out. he couldn't remember.
When someone is as sick as he is, and there is a mental health component, it makes it harder to see and to detach. My contact does help stabilize him, but he needs to handle things more on his own. he has suffered consequences before of jail and homelessnes, but just can't and isn't ready to really stop using. I see that and can't do a thing about it except pray for him, let him know I love him, and try to be a voice of wisdom and encouragement.
I just really needed to share my disappointment and sadness and don't know what, if anything , I should do. It's very painful to see someone take such an abrupt turn. He is depressed and lonely. he can go to mental health clinic, but doesn't because they won't give him the medicine he claims helps him. I'm so afraid for him.
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Old 03-26-2016, 07:51 PM
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Oh, Vaya. (((HUGS))) I don't have any words of wisdom, but I am so sorry you are going through this. If anything, maybe this will convince you that we cannot help them. They have to do it themselves. I'm so sorry.
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Old 03-27-2016, 05:26 PM
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Dear Vaya, I am saddened to hear of his relapse, but the disease can only be treated when the addict is ready for treatment. I will pray for you and your son that he soon chooses a recovery program (along with the methadone) to help him move forward.
Hugs,
TT
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Old 03-29-2016, 12:36 PM
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I'm so sorry Vaya. I know you have went through so much. I cannot even imagine how much this makes your heart hurt. Sending many hugs to you!
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Old 03-29-2016, 05:27 PM
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My heart hurts for you. Sending love & strength
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Old 03-30-2016, 09:22 AM
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So sorry you are going through this. I am very new to here (second day on here and my boyfriend recently went to detox) so while I can't offer much advice just wanted to offer support. Tough love is very hard for me as well but you can't swim for him.
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Old 03-30-2016, 06:38 PM
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Thank you for your support. Unfortunately, recovery or rehab isn't an option while on methadone. While he is trying not to use as much, he clearly isn't done yet. He has shaped up this week and is much more together and at least functioning.
The fact is I know I cannot be the glue that holds him together so he can make it on his own, which is some of what I am doing. It is becoming exhausting, which is good, because I will pull back and focus on me.
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Old 04-01-2016, 08:42 AM
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I am so sorry for your pain, Vaya. It is heartbreaking to see them in such a sad and desperate condition.

I wonder why you say he can't be in recovery or in treatment on methadone? Some of the outpatient clinics are very amenable to methadone, and folks at AA/NA meetings don't need to know/don't care if he is on methadone. Just curious.

Keeping you both in my prayers.
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Old 04-01-2016, 02:23 PM
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So sorry to hear your son is having such a hard time. It is very difficult watching this as a parent. BTDT. All you can do is let hi know you love him and will be there should he want to quit and get help.
I will keep you both in my prayers.
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Old 04-02-2016, 04:59 AM
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hugs from one mama to another. No pain like this. I'm sorry for what you are going through. I said a prayer for strength for you and for your son. Keep coming back and let us know how you are doing.
Joie
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Old 04-05-2016, 07:02 PM
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Thank you all. I meant he can't be in residential treatment on Methadone. he does get counseling at the methadone clinic, which I guess is a type of outpatient clinic. He also gets drug tested. Most residential treatments restrict you for the first 30 or 60 days and he wouldn't be permitted to go and dose every day. He would also have to taper off the methadone before this kind of treatment, which usually takes a couple to few weeks, or else he would be facing double withdrawals.
Today i brought him to the clinic for his does and he threw it up right after because he was sick from dope and sick from missing his dose for the last 2 days. May be other factors as well, including a rotting tooth needing extraction.
He is very conflicted now because he feels methadone doesn't help his anxiety, but cant see that heroin makes it worse given the insane cycle of avoiding getting sick, getting in trouble, losing/spending all his money, etc...
i am making progress in trying to step back and let him come to his own concludsions rather than try to make him see how insane it is when he is using. I do suggest at times and am learning to just listen at others. I'm so sad he doesn't see the insanity and is in denial about what using has done to him. At the same time he has goals, but may see he cannot reach them while he continues to use. I just pray he will see the insanity of his ways and meanwhile do help him get to the clinic 5 days a week, since it's near my job . I will be supportive, help provide transportation so he can get groceries and help with some things, but am pulling back more and more so he will grow up and learn how to deal with things.
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Old 04-06-2016, 12:07 PM
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Dear Vaya, its time to let go. I say this with all the love and understanding. I still think a lot about JJ and what he is doing/not doing, but it really does work when you let go and let God. I will pray for your peace.
Hugs
TT
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Old 07-24-2016, 07:04 PM
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I am so sorry whats happening to your son and i was alot like that when i was younger without the methadone, i had friends die in front of me and i still loved getting blacked out everyday, what changed was the damage i was causing everyone in my path and realized "hey wait, why would i want to be blacked out and destroying relationships with anything that walked into my path and thats what made me decide to change and not be a walking amnesia machine" I have a important question, whats the name of the low income program is that cheap? Me and my wife are expecting a child but we live in So Cal and can't afford it and we have been clean but have been getting no help from anyone so we've been thinking about moving.
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