Hello there,
You can call me Karma.
I’ve been lurking on these forums for a while now, and decided to register today. I wanted to introduce myself, and explain a little about my situation.
I’ve had a relationship with alcohol since my teenage years. I began drinking daily around my 21st birthday, mainly as a sleep aid. I never experienced any side effects from alcohol, until about 2-3 years ago. Since then I’ve tried to moderate my drinking, but fell short. Thus my “problem” with alcohol, or me becoming an alcoholic, has been developing over the past 2 years. About three months ago, I began noticing severe cognitive deficits associated with my drinking, and thus decided to seek help.
I began seeing a therapist weekly, and also joined an IOP (intensive outpatient program). I was 36 days sober, when my world darkened.
A couple months ago I got a call from my mother, crying, telling me that my father committed suicide, and within two days I relapsed. It’s weird because before his death, I was still questioning whether I was an alcoholic or not. I thought to myself, “I’ll stay sober for 3 months and then try to moderate my drinking, and figure out if I really am an alcoholic.” Well I answered that question. Not only did I go back to drinking daily, but as everyone else can attest, my habit immediately started back with an even greater force than ever before.
After spending some time with my family following my Dad’s funeral, I flew back to my current location in California to “start over” with my sobriety. However it wasn’t that easy. I immediately began attending IOP again, but it just didn’t cut it. I couldn’t get myself to break the habit. I tried detoxing myself, and would tapper down to 1-2 beers. Then maybe stop for a day or two, only to have my alcohol voice CONVINCE me that I just needed a little alcohol to get rid of the withdraw symptoms. Of course, a "little alcohol" turned into six packs of high content IPA's, bottles of vodka, etc. Anyway, this continued until I finally went to AA. Since I began attending meetings i’ve been sober for 36 days now (well today is day 36). I realize that I can never drink again, and this will be a lifelong process.
One of the issues i’m dealing with now is that after 35 days sober, i’m almost forgetting the negative effects from alcohol. I just don’t want to go 2-3 years sober, and think “Hey I can be normal”, and then never be able to stop again. There is a part of me that wants to go on a huge, long bender in order to PROVE to myself that I am an alcoholic, and to strengthen my desire to quit and the reasons for it. Obviously I want to avoid this, but how else can I get the mindset of “ROCK BOTTOM” without actually achieving such a point?
Anyway, i'm happy to begin my journey and hope to become a part of the SR community.
Best,
