Thirteenth
I get it, and I appreciate your honesty. The first time I tried to stop, I was exactly where you are. There were a lot of 'yets' that I hadn't 'achieved' yet. I was pretty sure I had a problem, but was functioning enough in my life that I was on the line of wondering if it really was a problem. I went to AA (didn't get a sponsor then but met some amazing people). Because I wasn't invested and hadn't really bought in, I made it to about 90 days sober, decided "I've got this" and stopped meetings altogether. I started drinking again rather quickly. This time I graduated from wine to harder alcohol. I didn't understand the shift in thinking then but I do now - wine wasn't having an effect unless I had two or more bottles of it, but this magic elixir gin/whisky/bourbon got there much faster and I could go to sleep. My hangovers became more severe, and on the way to work one morning I had a minor fender bender. No police involved but I considered myself lucky. I started to wake up a bit. It didn't stop my drinking as I would say each day I'm not going to drink tonight, but ultimately would feel desperate and would drink. THe time just got later, but it happenned. I went back to AA, this time I thought with my hat in my hands and prepared to give myself over. It was good for a while and lasted 9 months - before my AV lied to me heavily and I again thought I had conquered all. I was able to go out and drink a glass of wine, and be ok. (like, maybe three times) before one glass turned into many turned into back to hard alcohol. Second relapse worse than first one. Hazy every day, started drinking as soon as home from work. Kids watching me. I shudder to think about how my young kids watched me and probably learned from me. I carried on in this madness, beginning to hate myself, isolate, and lose friends by the bagful.
I entered AA again, this time on Jan 8, 2015. I got a sponsor. I worked the steps. I engaged my 'higher power'. I have over a year sober now and wouldn't change it for the world. I was terrified of accepting my one year chip, because I still don't trust myself. My sponsor has forced the issue and I'll be taking it at the end of this month in front of my home group where I'm also slated to be the evening's speaker for the first time. I'm terrified, but that is ok. I am finally meeting the fears of the world and other people on sober terms. The feelings can be uncomfortable but I go with it, and seem to be better every time I reach the other side of my fears.
You are likely at the front of a dodgy road to come. You could try to stop now. It's not for me to say that you are something or not. But you came to a place called sober recovery, which tells me something about you. You are wondering, perhaps bargaining with yourself about where you are really at. I think we can all relate to that. I appreciate your post very much, as you bring me to one of the AA slogans "Remember When". I do remember, very much. I hope your journey is not as hard as many of us.
I will add - I never went to a rehab/detox. I went to my Dr and told him the truth, for the first time. I went to my previous home group AA meeting that night and then went back to the Dr. We worked out a home detox and I did so under his care - he was available to me by phone if needed and I went to his office several times. I did not experience DT's or withdrawl in that period thanks to him. I had a small prescription which would never be prescribed again, as per our understanding.
Why did it take this time? (And I say this without arrogance, I know this disease is day by day and I think only of today). I was truly willing to admit that I was powerless over alcohol. Once I admitted it out loud and to another person, the rest kind of followed. I cried, gobsmacked that this was me. I thought I was so strong. As I worked my steps, I saw patterns that took my breath away. I am learning every day about myself. Sobriety is wonderful, and it is still life - which means there are still petty angers, frustrations, and bad days. I deal with these with a clear mind and nothing but hope for the future. As they say in AA, if you want what we have found, then you are in the right place, and welcome.