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Not Ready To Stop

Old 03-18-2016, 07:04 PM
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Not Ready To Stop

Not a new situation to all you good folks, and I'm not new to this forum. I can't seem to get to the wanting to be sober more than wanting to drink stage. I'm posting because I want something different even though I'm still not there mentally. Perhaps a reply might finally get me to see the light. I honestly don't know, but reaching out can't hurt.

I've been a daily for longer than I'm prepared to admit. I've also read this forum daily for at least two years, not counting the previous time I was a member. I have chosen not to return under that identity, but know that I have not forgotten any help I was offered.

I've not had any major consequences, aside from isolation. So yeah, that's not not major. I tend to minimize that aspect. I'll learn of any potential health aspects (of which I'm not already aware) with my next physical in a few weeks.

Bottom line: perhaps I need some tough love to get me to see what I seem to refuse to see. I might join the March class, but I remain guarded and unsure of my ability to do so and not fail, be a better person, etc.

Thanks for reading.
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Old 03-18-2016, 07:17 PM
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Hi Thirteenth welcome to a excellent source of sobriety having a plan will really help you stay sober
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Old 03-18-2016, 07:29 PM
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welcome back


I think it's often useful to take things a day at a time..that's how we live our loves anyway...noone can live two days at once. sometimes 'forever' carries with it its own fears and it's own enormity.

I committed to staying sober and clean one day at a time until forever didn't scare me anymore.

you may have not experienced some of the disasters and tribulations that some have here, but you're at least worried enough to post here, and I'd start with that.

Keep those things that bought you back here in mind - and accept that addiction is a progressive thing - almost over night I went from secret drinker to out of control every night everyone knows public drinker.

That's one genie you can't stuff back in the bottle.

I'm glad you're thinking about things before they get too bad...

D
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Old 03-18-2016, 07:35 PM
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I can relate to where you're at. When I first came here, I wasn't sure I was ready to stop either even though I felt in my gut that I needed to stop.

One of the things when I first came here that made my blood run cold is that if something hasn't happened, it hasn't happened to you YET. While I never experienced those yets, I didn't want to experience some of the things I have seen on these boards, such as physical dependence, injuries, significant health issues, loss of relationships, jail, hurting or injuring others, or even death. You ultimately have the power to say when enough is enough before any of these things happen.

One of the things that helped start get me in the right direction, is a commitment to getting 90 days sober by a certain date. I gave myself hard deadlines. If I was having issues getting sober, I would do AA. If I continued to have issues, I would do outpatient. If I continued to have problems getting sober, I would go to inpatient rehab. Maybe setting this kind of goal might help you too in getting your recovery going.
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Old 03-18-2016, 07:54 PM
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Old 03-18-2016, 07:58 PM
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Thanks for your post. I really identify with what you said. I have known that I needed help with my drinking habits for a long time. The first time I actually took a small step to do something about it was 2 1/2 years ago. I made an appointment with a therapist who specialized in addiction. She recommended outpatient that was centered around AA. I was not willing to consider because I didn't like the idea of AA. So she suggested trying some controlled drinking keeping in mind what she has told me about alcoholism. I tried to control it for a short time but soon went back to my usual. Through the next year, I was asked to move out of my apartment for a cleanliness violation and had to live in an extended stay hotel for a while. The whole thing was horrible so I returned to that therapist and was willing to do IOP. I still kept drinking through that. Then I started going to AA and it took me 4 months to get 30 days. I stayed sober till day 87, then relapsed. Lived in active addiction for a few months without even trying to get sober. Now I am trying again. I went back to AA, I got a sponsor, and I am on day 6. Hopefully I wont decide to drink again but based on my track record... Anyway, I know how it feels to know you should quit drinking but not be ready yet. But I would encourage you to go to AA and get a sponsor even if you are still drinking. That's what helps me make progress.
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Old 03-18-2016, 08:08 PM
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Welcome back!! I have been on SR for a few years now and have dealt with some of the same feelings as you. This past NYE I decided I was done with alcohol, and haven't had a drink since. Today is my 78th day sober, and I have noticed positive impacts both physically and emotionally.

The past few days at work have been extremely stressful, and I was dealing with one crazy situation after another, and I am grateful my mind was clear. Being sober definitely can't prevent a crappy week at work, but it absolutely impacts your response to the situation.

Join the March class, I joined the January class (after flunking out of several past classes due to relapses), and the Jannies are an incredibly supportive group.

I'm glad you are here!!!

❤️ Delilah
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Old 03-18-2016, 08:14 PM
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Welcome, Thirteenth.

I can only speak for myself, but I know that when I was in active alcoholic addiction, I was in such a haze that I didn't really know what I wanted. When I quit, I didn't really want sobriety but in time, after the clouded thinking cleared up, I saw that it really was what I wanted but just couldn't see it because let's face it, alcoholics usually don't think too clearly.
I think you're having a moment of clarity right now in seeing that your drinking is affecting your life negatively. Seize this moment and run with it even if you feel unsure. Throw yourself into recovery and give it a 100% shot even if you're not totally feeling it. Trust that when you see how much better you feel and how much better life is after some months of sobriety, you'll want to stick with it.

Wishing you well,

Delfin
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Old 03-18-2016, 09:04 PM
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I always says this, the words that struck a chord with me were "functional alcoholism isn't a type of alcoholism, it's a stage of alcoholism. " I sat up a took notice on that because I knew it was only going to progress where I would no longer be functioning.
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Old 03-18-2016, 09:12 PM
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Alcoholism is progress it only gets worse. Just think about the fact that today is the best day of your life. This is as good as it gets and it is assured tomorrow will be just a little worse than today.

Is this the life you want? Because there is another life just waiting for you if you want to get sober. A life better than you can possibly believe.

The choice has been and always will be yours to make.
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Old 03-18-2016, 11:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Thirteenth View Post
Not a new situation to all you good folks, and I'm not new to this forum. I can't seem to get to the wanting to be sober more than wanting to drink stage. I'm posting because I want something different even though I'm still not there mentally. Perhaps a reply might finally get me to see the light. I honestly don't know, but reaching out can't hurt.

I've been a daily for longer than I'm prepared to admit. I've also read this forum daily for at least two years, not counting the previous time I was a member. I have chosen not to return under that identity, but know that I have not forgotten any help I was offered.

I've not had any major consequences, aside from isolation. So yeah, that's not not major. I tend to minimize that aspect. I'll learn of any potential health aspects (of which I'm not already aware) with my next physical in a few weeks.

Bottom line: perhaps I need some tough love to get me to see what I seem to refuse to see. I might join the March class, but I remain guarded and unsure of my ability to do so and not fail, be a better person, etc.

Thanks for reading.
Hey there. I did the same thing. It came on here but I really didn't have the willingness to stop. I thought I needed to stop but I just didn't want to. Got a lot of support on here and then when reality intervened one day with the death of a friend of mine from drinking I finally had a moment of surrender. I have 53 days today. I'm really grateful to be sober and to be building sober community. I never thought I would say that. So what I'd say to you is to keep coming back and keep your eyes open for reality intervening for you.
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Old 03-18-2016, 11:31 PM
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As Dee often says, I didn't want to quit drinking, I just wanted to drink without the consequences. But after trying and failing many times I was finally sick and tired of waking up feeling like hell and hating myself.

I've been sober over six years now and they've been the best six years of my life. I hope our support can help you get sober for good too.
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Old 03-19-2016, 07:17 AM
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Thank you. You've all given me much to think about. Not that I wasn't already aware, but coming out of the shadows was a big step for me toward what I hope will be recovery. AA, RR, IOP and inpatient are all on the table for me. I'd prefer to do none and deal with it on my own but that clearly has not been working.

Dee and strategery, you've both keenly reminded me of my case of the YETs. I've had a few close calls over the years and if this has gone even slightly a different way. Perhaps I'd have gotten sober sooner, perhaps the consequences would have been devastating. I try not to think about that but I have to. I will strongly consider your idea strategery as it makes perfect sense to me - to the point I had actually given myself such ultimatums before yet bailed on them.

nomis, point taken. Thanks.

ItsJustMe, AA is on the table for me and I think I'll get to a meeting soon. I've said that before though. Congrats on day 6.

Delilah, the crappy work days/weeks are always a trigger for me. Logically I know that I can handle it better without the booze yet I keep on. Pure insanity. Congrats on day 78.

Delfin, you are completely correct. Diving in might just get me to see the light that I mentioned in my previous post.

MIR, thank you for your honesty. It is not the life I want. I believe the life I want (whatever it may be, I don't know) includes sobriety. I'm just struggling with complete belief, if that makes sense.

pressme, I will definitely do that. Congats on 53 days.

least, that's exactly right. I rarely hate myself so maybe that's what's holding me back?


I don't want to hit a bottom any further than I have. I know the elevator goes all the way down to six feet and that I can get off whenever I like. I still struggle. There are, no surprise, many emotional issues involved. I find myself borderline terrified of dealing with those rather than running from them. Though I have been to therapy in the past, I didn't get much out of it and have thought of trying again.

This is a bit long and getting scattered so I'll stop here. Thank you to all for reading and responding.
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Old 03-19-2016, 07:34 AM
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Thirteenth, I didn't believe that anything terrible would happen to me and I felt sure I could and would stop drinking before that. Turns out, I wasn't in control and when drinking was seriously affecting my family life and health, I tried to stop and found I couldn't and wouldn't. I was lucky to get out when I did. Be assured it will get worse and count yourself lucky that things are still relatively okay. Choose any plan or combination that will work for you.
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Old 03-19-2016, 07:49 AM
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I was in that stage for quite a while: where I wanted to want to stop. I kept wondering "what's it going to take?" for me to be willing to get sober again.

It wasn't until the pain of drinking got worse than the pain of doing what I needed to do to get and stay sober.

Until I reached that point, I'd think a lot about my drinking, knowing it would only get worse. I'd think about what could happen if I continued. I was afraid I would drive drunk in a blackout or wake up on my front lawn naked or something. Or I'd kill someone or myself in a blackout. I kept praying for help.

At the end of my last binge, I got up, looked at the cans of beer thrown around my back yard and something just clicked inside of me. "That's it, I'm done" was my thought. I can only contribute that to grace. The grace of god, the grace of the universe, whatever it was, I was finally ready to stop. I let go of trying to prove that I could control it, and went back to AA.

I am well aware that some never reach that point. They die before they'll let go.
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Old 03-19-2016, 07:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Thirteenth View Post
Not a new situation to all you good folks, and I'm not new to this forum. I can't seem to get to the wanting to be sober more than wanting to drink stage. I'm posting because I want something different even though I'm still not there mentally. Perhaps a reply might finally get me to see the light. I honestly don't know, but reaching out can't hurt.

I've been a daily for longer than I'm prepared to admit. I've also read this forum daily for at least two years, not counting the previous time I was a member. I have chosen not to return under that identity, but know that I have not forgotten any help I was offered.

I've not had any major consequences, aside from isolation. So yeah, that's not not major. I tend to minimize that aspect. I'll learn of any potential health aspects (of which I'm not already aware) with my next physical in a few weeks.

Bottom line: perhaps I need some tough love to get me to see what I seem to refuse to see. I might join the March class, but I remain guarded and unsure of my ability to do so and not fail, be a better person, etc.

Thanks for reading.
stop lookin at the physical consequences and start lookin at the mental and emotional consequences.
it wont get any better. keep drinkin then some day you might say,"if i only would have stopped drinking before:
i lost my job
family and friends walked away from me
ended up on the street.
got a dui
got cirrhosis
killed someone"
and the list can be added to.

or stop now and ya wont have to experience those "yets" many of us have
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Old 03-19-2016, 08:09 AM
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Thirteenth
I get it, and I appreciate your honesty. The first time I tried to stop, I was exactly where you are. There were a lot of 'yets' that I hadn't 'achieved' yet. I was pretty sure I had a problem, but was functioning enough in my life that I was on the line of wondering if it really was a problem. I went to AA (didn't get a sponsor then but met some amazing people). Because I wasn't invested and hadn't really bought in, I made it to about 90 days sober, decided "I've got this" and stopped meetings altogether. I started drinking again rather quickly. This time I graduated from wine to harder alcohol. I didn't understand the shift in thinking then but I do now - wine wasn't having an effect unless I had two or more bottles of it, but this magic elixir gin/whisky/bourbon got there much faster and I could go to sleep. My hangovers became more severe, and on the way to work one morning I had a minor fender bender. No police involved but I considered myself lucky. I started to wake up a bit. It didn't stop my drinking as I would say each day I'm not going to drink tonight, but ultimately would feel desperate and would drink. THe time just got later, but it happenned. I went back to AA, this time I thought with my hat in my hands and prepared to give myself over. It was good for a while and lasted 9 months - before my AV lied to me heavily and I again thought I had conquered all. I was able to go out and drink a glass of wine, and be ok. (like, maybe three times) before one glass turned into many turned into back to hard alcohol. Second relapse worse than first one. Hazy every day, started drinking as soon as home from work. Kids watching me. I shudder to think about how my young kids watched me and probably learned from me. I carried on in this madness, beginning to hate myself, isolate, and lose friends by the bagful.
I entered AA again, this time on Jan 8, 2015. I got a sponsor. I worked the steps. I engaged my 'higher power'. I have over a year sober now and wouldn't change it for the world. I was terrified of accepting my one year chip, because I still don't trust myself. My sponsor has forced the issue and I'll be taking it at the end of this month in front of my home group where I'm also slated to be the evening's speaker for the first time. I'm terrified, but that is ok. I am finally meeting the fears of the world and other people on sober terms. The feelings can be uncomfortable but I go with it, and seem to be better every time I reach the other side of my fears.
You are likely at the front of a dodgy road to come. You could try to stop now. It's not for me to say that you are something or not. But you came to a place called sober recovery, which tells me something about you. You are wondering, perhaps bargaining with yourself about where you are really at. I think we can all relate to that. I appreciate your post very much, as you bring me to one of the AA slogans "Remember When". I do remember, very much. I hope your journey is not as hard as many of us.
I will add - I never went to a rehab/detox. I went to my Dr and told him the truth, for the first time. I went to my previous home group AA meeting that night and then went back to the Dr. We worked out a home detox and I did so under his care - he was available to me by phone if needed and I went to his office several times. I did not experience DT's or withdrawl in that period thanks to him. I had a small prescription which would never be prescribed again, as per our understanding.
Why did it take this time? (And I say this without arrogance, I know this disease is day by day and I think only of today). I was truly willing to admit that I was powerless over alcohol. Once I admitted it out loud and to another person, the rest kind of followed. I cried, gobsmacked that this was me. I thought I was so strong. As I worked my steps, I saw patterns that took my breath away. I am learning every day about myself. Sobriety is wonderful, and it is still life - which means there are still petty angers, frustrations, and bad days. I deal with these with a clear mind and nothing but hope for the future. As they say in AA, if you want what we have found, then you are in the right place, and welcome.
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Old 03-19-2016, 08:35 AM
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I was a functional alcoholic for the past 8.5 years - though "functioning" meant forcing myself out of bed to go to work and being miserably tired and defeated all the time. There's a difference between functioning your way through life and living it with freedom, spirit and joy. These things were not possible when I was drinking (on Day 64 now).

What's more, one day this past January my "functioning" snapped when some high pressure things and stress came together in a perfect storm. I basically said "f&*ck it", and slid into oblivion of a three day binge that landed me in the emergency room. I lost my job. This has been my pattern before in life, I have not had the progressive stages like others describe. More, it's been hanging on by my fingernails by doing what I need to function through life, job, etc. - then falling from the branch and hitting the ground hard.

Whatever your situation, I would agree with others that quit before really bad things happen and be thankful you took the step when you did. Others have lost jobs, gotten DUIs, split from their significant others, and other worse things we never saw coming. Good luck and keep coming back.
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Old 03-19-2016, 10:12 AM
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What do you want out of life? Do you ever stop to think about it?

Let yourself dream a bit. What kind of life do you want? If you can get a picture in your mind of that...you'll also soon realize you won't be able to attain it while you're drinking.

Wanting the things that sobriety offers IS what it means to "wanting to be sober more than wanting to drink." If you don't have dreams of vigorous health, looking your best, being more prosperous, having a great relationship, traveling, being a role model for your children, etc... If you don't have such dreams, "being sober" loses some of its appeal.

So, my recommendation is to DREAM. Dream about what life could be, were it not for the alcohol.

This is what helped me quite a lot.
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Old 03-19-2016, 05:27 PM
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Weird, must be a post level thing but my thanks for each post did not hold. Regardless. thank you all again. Anna, Madbird, tomsteve, Irnldy, SD, SiS, more perspective is what I need and you've all given it to me. I'm that much close to letting it go than I was prior to posting. I don't know that I'll quit immediately, but know that I am working on it.

I'll have to get a little better soon though as I broke a tooth this evening which continues my own dental apocolypse. Just when I thought I was near the end, another issue, another crown if I'm lucky. I feel certain my drinking has made this issue worse. Yet another reason to stop (there's the yet again).

Thank you all.
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