Welcome, Thirteenth.
I can only speak for myself, but I know that when I was in active alcoholic addiction, I was in such a haze that I didn't really know what I wanted. When I quit, I didn't really want sobriety but in time, after the clouded thinking cleared up, I saw that it really was what I wanted but just couldn't see it because let's face it, alcoholics usually don't think too clearly.
I think you're having a moment of clarity right now in seeing that your drinking is affecting your life negatively. Seize this moment and run with it even if you feel unsure. Throw yourself into recovery and give it a 100% shot even if you're not totally feeling it. Trust that when you see how much better you feel and how much better life is after some months of sobriety, you'll want to stick with it.
Wishing you well,
Delfin