Thanks for your post. I really identify with what you said. I have known that I needed help with my drinking habits for a long time. The first time I actually took a small step to do something about it was 2 1/2 years ago. I made an appointment with a therapist who specialized in addiction. She recommended outpatient that was centered around AA. I was not willing to consider because I didn't like the idea of AA. So she suggested trying some controlled drinking keeping in mind what she has told me about alcoholism. I tried to control it for a short time but soon went back to my usual. Through the next year, I was asked to move out of my apartment for a cleanliness violation and had to live in an extended stay hotel for a while. The whole thing was horrible so I returned to that therapist and was willing to do IOP. I still kept drinking through that. Then I started going to AA and it took me 4 months to get 30 days. I stayed sober till day 87, then relapsed. Lived in active addiction for a few months without even trying to get sober. Now I am trying again. I went back to AA, I got a sponsor, and I am on day 6. Hopefully I wont decide to drink again but based on my track record... Anyway, I know how it feels to know you should quit drinking but not be ready yet. But I would encourage you to go to AA and get a sponsor even if you are still drinking. That's what helps me make progress.