wanttobehealthy

I used to HATE hearing that line.... to me it meant "you can't predict or control the future, so sit back and let be what will be and see what comes..." And for a control freak, codie like me who felt that life was safe and calm ONLY if I could predict and control outcomes, the more will be revealed thing really annoyed me... (Im poking total fun at myself here lest anyone not get that!)

Anyway, in the last number of months I have really tried, hard, with help (therapy) to embrace this notion in my day to day life. Worry about work, my kids, friends etc... I have tried to approach with a "more will be revealed" and living in the moment rather than being paralyzed with panic constantly about the future...

Long story short, the breakdown of my friendship a few weeks ago with a woman who was like a sister and who was my best friend through every stage of the last 4 years with my xAH, was something I expected would leave a GAPING hole in my life. We talked dozens of times a day, I spent every free moment of my day interacting with her in some way a lot of days and I thought that I would be a LOT more upset about this loss than I am...

Instead, I have found that I have a lot of free time that I didn't realize I was missing. I am realizing that I was growing resentful (though I did not realize it then) of how often she wanted to talk and complain and how negative our interactions were... I was not spending enough time with other friends, I was consumed with her drama and trying to help "fix" her crises (all having to do with her abusive alcoholic boyfriend whom she claimed wasn't a "real" abuser or alcoholic).

So, because of how toxically the friendship ended, Ive gone no contact at all with her and that is how it will stay because I need that for my well being....

And what has been "revealed" is that I have a lot of friends, interests and connections that I've put effort into re-birthing so to speak and am SO much happier for it!

If someone had told me that the loss of a close, long term friend would actually make me HAPPIER, I would have told them they were insane. But that's precisely what has happened...

So I guess I just wanted to share this bc I think this maybe is a case in point that "more will be revealed" is really a pretty fabulous thing.

When things went south with this friend I did not try to explain, justify, rationalize etc... I said what I needed to, I acted in a way to ensure her kids safety, and I knew I would be hated for it and I did it anyway. And then I accepted the end of that friendship and did not let it consume me.

If this had been a few years ago I would be obsessing over it, perseverating over what I could have done differently, and being sad about what was lost...

Instead, I am glad for the time we were friends, I do feel twinges of sadness when I realize that's gone but it's a passing thing and I am purposefully making plans with others in my life whom Ive ignored and not had time for while I was codie-consumed with trying to fix this other friends life....

So, it's nice to see growth in myself and it's nice to be able to share it because lord knows I never thought I would be someone who could calmly deal with things like this and be ok...