Need a beginning point
I have many things on my mind and have difficulty putting them into words.
I am 26 and have had ongoing problems with alcohol abuse for the last 2-3 years. I had no ambition to read about or reach out to blogs or forums. To be honest I just feel like writing a few words that do not have to be connected to conversations with family or health professionals.
I had hurt myself in a basketball game around 3 years ago which stopped me from being able to do alot of things. I was very stressed with work and general life and decided to dab in a bit of binge drinking. I had done it on a few occasions since becoming 18 but it never felt like a problem. I had alot of problems in my teen years and worked extremely hard to bring myself from a deep depression. Conquering a few random drinking sessions seemed easy to me but I never did. Realising now and accepting that I have high anxiety and depression again along with a drinking problem has been very hard and every day is a battle.
I won't get into a life long story but some of the things I have done over the last few years have hurt and shocked me beyond belief. The sorts of things that I did not feel capable of. Lying, deception, cheating, frightening loved ones and most recent causing an accident (no injuries).
I have tried to put guards in place to try and stop me from accessing alcohol, submitting money and id's to my partner, car is heading to the wreckers but I always manage to find a way. My anxiety, job and financial position at the moment would be my main reasons to try and numb the pain. I have tried to stop drinking but tend to relapse after a max of 3-4 weeks. I am working with a psychiatrist and community addiction services currently (and actually attending with an intent to try help myself this time).
This is not a cry to be felt sorry for, I just truly want to do the best I can to achieve sobriety and lift myself from the negative being I see myself as. For me first and loved ones second, something of which has been a difficult feat all my life. Curing myself is what will help with the interactions I will face in the future.