emilliananyc

Thank you all.

I did talk to him about it. He said that at the time he did that he was feeling weak. I was pregnant and he did not have a job. He said he didn't realize how scared he would be about me becoming pregnant. (I want to note here that he knew I was ovulating and he knew I could get pregnant. We had discussed it at length. I wanted a child. He said he did too.)

He says he was feeling so weak and gross and unmanly that he did this as a punishment to himself.

I should add background....
He struggled with having sex with me and anyone in his past. I thought it was because of his severe body image issues linked to his eating disorder. For a time I thought maybe it was because he was gay and I discussed it with him in the past but he said no he wasn't gay, and that the problem was he kept thinking that he wouldn't get hard, or stay hard long enough, or be big enough..... so I supported him and was patient and even went to sex therapy with him. He said often that he would masturbate to deal with frustrations and stress and often times be trying to masturbate in a semi-hard or flacid state.

So, he was feeling weak as a man, which led him to want to be treated as a weak, unmanly person.... by a man apparently. I think because it is an extreme. And, addicts like extremes... right?? (What the hell do I know)

But also, he said that regardless of it being a man that he was subordinate to, he just liked the idea of being controlled (submissive) to anyone. I said, but it was a man, and that does matter. He says, well I've fantasized about doing this with women, too. He adamantly says he is not gay. That he has considered it a lot, and has determined that he isn't.