Is this normal for an addict?

Old 03-10-2016, 06:25 AM
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Unhappy Is this normal for an addict?

Hi,

I thought the man I am with had been addicted to serious drugs in the past, and that he also had an eating disorder. Now, however, I realize that he was not addicted, he is an addict. Now I'm seeing how broad that is and what it means. We have a baby. I feel very scared.

A few days ago I discovered that while I was pregnant he had posted an ad to craigslist personals, and had fantasized about being submissive to a strong man and masturbated four times to this fantasy.

Is this normal addictive behavior? For a straight man?

I have no doubt that this wasn't his first time doing this.

I am a person who has suffered from anxiety in the past and right now I feel like I have to focus incredibly hard on not hyperventilating, giving up, and keeping calm. I've been sick at night since I saw this and I can't sleep. I do not have a father or a mother or a strong foundation of a family to support me. I am entirely alone.

I have been here for him. I do not shame him. But I am terrified of living in paranoia, worry, and anxious sickness.

I want so badly to have a happy family, but I fear that dream is lost.

Please help in any way you can. I really need your thoughts, advice, experiences....
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Old 03-10-2016, 06:36 AM
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Welcome Emili. I am so glad that you found us.

It sounds like a super painful situation. Asking questions and reaching our when you are in this situation is a smart thing to do! Do everything you can to educate yourself. Reading the stickies at the top of this forum is a good place to start.

You might try an Alanon meeting. Many folks have found this helpful.
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Old 03-10-2016, 06:41 AM
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Well, addicts do all kinds of hurtful things, but I wouldn't say this is "typical" of an addict. Fantasy/masturbation is one thing, but posting to Craigslist is another.

Based on your post, I take it you have no reason to believe he's currently using? This may just be HIM, not the addiction.

Have you talked to him about it?
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Old 03-10-2016, 07:02 AM
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Hello Emili and welcome!

I am not sure if this has anything to do with his addiction at all. It more has to do with his sexuality. And I dare suggest that he might not be as straight as you think (because would this be normal behavior for a heterosexual male?). In any case, posting on craigslist is a bit alarming, regardless of what gender he is looking for. I am really sorry you have to go through this.
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Old 03-10-2016, 07:30 AM
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Self punishment

Thank you all.

I did talk to him about it. He said that at the time he did that he was feeling weak. I was pregnant and he did not have a job. He said he didn't realize how scared he would be about me becoming pregnant. (I want to note here that he knew I was ovulating and he knew I could get pregnant. We had discussed it at length. I wanted a child. He said he did too.)

He says he was feeling so weak and gross and unmanly that he did this as a punishment to himself.

I should add background....
He struggled with having sex with me and anyone in his past. I thought it was because of his severe body image issues linked to his eating disorder. For a time I thought maybe it was because he was gay and I discussed it with him in the past but he said no he wasn't gay, and that the problem was he kept thinking that he wouldn't get hard, or stay hard long enough, or be big enough..... so I supported him and was patient and even went to sex therapy with him. He said often that he would masturbate to deal with frustrations and stress and often times be trying to masturbate in a semi-hard or flacid state.

So, he was feeling weak as a man, which led him to want to be treated as a weak, unmanly person.... by a man apparently. I think because it is an extreme. And, addicts like extremes... right?? (What the hell do I know)

But also, he said that regardless of it being a man that he was subordinate to, he just liked the idea of being controlled (submissive) to anyone. I said, but it was a man, and that does matter. He says, well I've fantasized about doing this with women, too. He adamantly says he is not gay. That he has considered it a lot, and has determined that he isn't.
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Old 03-10-2016, 07:59 AM
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Hi, emilliananyc--I'd tend to agree w/those who've said that this behavior isn't likely anything to do w/his addiction. It's often said here, with regards to cheating, that the cheating and drinking are totally separate issues. I'd apply that same thought to this issue.

Whatever the situation may be, you are supposed to be his GF, right? Not his therapist or counselor...and this sounds to me like it's a little more than just the 2 of you talking over some relationship issues. From what you say, this sounds like a person with serious problems that he is still struggling with to some degree, and as such, likely not someone who is going to make a good partner (for you) or parent (for your child). He is an adult and has every right to make his own choices; the question for you is, are these choices you want to live with and expose your child to? Also, consider the possibility that he may have gone farther than just fantasy and that you could have been exposed to AIDS or other diseases.

Regardless of what's going on in his life, the focus needs to be put on you and your baby-to-be. The path to a happy life for you isn't going to be found by figuring out your BF's problems but by figuring out what you want.

I hope you keep coming back to SR, reading and posting, and I wish you strength and clarity in finding your path.
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Old 03-10-2016, 08:14 AM
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From what you describe, it seems he does have quite a few personal issues. We cannot blame it all on addiction. Sometimes the insecurities, dilemmas, life problems, stressful situations, and not knowing how to cope with them may actually lead to substance abuse. It just seems that he is a deeply troubled individual who yet has to explore who he really is, what he really wants, and what will make him happy. And he might also be severely depressed.
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Old 03-10-2016, 08:21 AM
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Hello

Yes, the behaviour is normal for an addict! Sad, but true. I remember all kinds of discoveries when my son was an addict! All involving sex!! I remember thinking he was gay, oversexed, sick! I, like you, couldn't turn to anyone for help or advice, mostly because I was so embarrassed. That's when I found this site!
I do want to say one thing, not to scare you, but to give you a head's up, you need to take care of you and your baby!
Does he work? Are you frightened for your safety?
In any event, do try Alanon. You must take care of yourself and child! This is not the man you married. The only way to help him is to let him find his own way! You cannot help him, only he can do that!
Hugs, Devastated
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Old 03-10-2016, 08:27 AM
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I'm sorry for what brought you here. I agree with what other people have already stated - it sounds like he has several issues going on that are independent of substances.

You recently had a baby- do you have supportive family and friends? Can you call on a trusted person to help you out to get a break? Sometimes when we're overwhelmed we put ourselves last in the things we need to do to take care of ourselves. I hope you keep reading and posting.
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Old 03-10-2016, 08:32 AM
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His response to you asking him about what you have uncovered seems typical of an addict. His response sounds to me like he wanted sympathy for his internal issues that he says made him act as he has...

Having a young child with a man who may or may not be engaging in extra marital sexual behaviors is alarming for many reasons not the least of which is because of disease concerns etc...

I would be thinking about yourself and what you can do to keep you and your child safe... Maybe while your husband is figuring himself out, he needs to be elsewhere?
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Old 03-10-2016, 08:33 AM
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Another thing I'd like to add: It's often said here that when someone shows you who they are, believe them. I know that I disregarded my A's unacceptable behavior for many, many years, somehow believing that it was an anomaly, "not real", or what have you. I finally understood/believed that he really was just one person, not a "good" and "bad" one, and I couldn't have the "good" one w/o the "bad" one too, not if I wanted to live in the real world instead of a fantasy one.

Whatever reasons your BF may give for his behavior, the behavior still remains. Is that something you're willing to live with? You don't have to answer this now, and you certainly don't have to answer publicly here, but I think it's something for you to start considering.
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Old 03-10-2016, 08:54 AM
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I'm so sorry to hear about this. I do agree that cheating and drinking are two separate issues, however, often the core behind why people drink, do drugs, go to prostitutes, etc. is for the same reason. They want that "high" they get from acting out and it allows them to forget about their problems/reality for a few minutes. He could very well have some issues with sex addiction. My STBXAH visited massage parlors in the past (well, who knows how far in the past it really was.) Take care of yourself! You'll get some great advice here. The best thing you can do for yourself and your baby is to get healthy.
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Old 03-10-2016, 09:32 AM
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Originally Posted by jada1981 View Post
I'm so sorry to hear about this. I do agree that cheating and drinking are two separate issues, however, often the core behind why people drink, do drugs, go to prostitutes, etc. is for the same reason. They want that "high" they get from acting out and it allows them to forget about their problems/reality for a few minutes. .
This is a good point. The eating disorder stuff, too, may indicate he's coping with life in general in unproductive/unhealthy ways.

Think he'd be amenable to seeing a therapist?
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Old 03-10-2016, 09:52 AM
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^ agreed. I had an eating disorder in high school-was awful. It took years to get over. It was all due to the anxiety abd stress etc I felt from my home life/it gave me a sense of control when things at home were so out of control. Totally unhealthy and messed up but I was told to shut up as a child and not encouraged to talk to anyone about reality of my home life so I stuffed it all. Eating disorder ensued. Just my two cents
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Old 03-10-2016, 10:06 AM
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emillian.....I am going to touch on a subject that no one else has mentioned (thus far)....I don't know if it applies here or not...because there is not enough information......
There is a list of endocrine disfunctions that are a yard long that can have impact on ones sexual function....especially, erectile dysfunction and/or desire....
You mentioned sex therapy....but, you didn't say what kind, how long, what conclusions....
Endocrine disorders require a complete, specific kind of work-up by a specialist. Generally, one can get such a referral by going to a urologist, first...
Generalist physicians aren't equipped to do this....

With the list of other problems that you mentioned--addiction?? eating disorder.....body image issues.... It just goes to say....that he needs to be under the care and support of a psychologist....
(you have not made it clear as to whether he is addicted to or using substances??).

There is help for him....lots of help. It is up to him if he is motivated to get the help he needs or not.....

My concern is you......you have a baby....and, you indicate that you have little support....
Your overriding responsibility is to the baby FIRST. This means that you have to take care of your baby's mother--so that you can give him/her a stable and nurturing environment. If the mother is not happy---the child is going to suffer.....
I suggest that you get a counselor for yourself and a support group (the counselor can help you find the right group).

The main point is---there IS help for the both of you....
IF he is not willing to get help.....your alternative is to remove your star from this wagon and work on your own life......your baby deserves that much......

I hop that you will stay around and read and learn....
I have long observed that those who are willing to get help and support are the ones who tend to get better.....

dandylion
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Old 03-10-2016, 10:51 AM
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I'm going to disagree here a bit.

Disclaimer:

I'm not a professional anything.
My experiences with my addict do not imply that your have an addict.

now then.........

My ex had the same compulsion for sex that she did for alcohol. If you use the term addict by definition, she was a sex addict. I can view it as a compulsion ....the semantics of the words matter not.

In my case, I found that no matter what she got sexually with me (and I am am pretty widely varied and open minded sex partner), she still needed to get a "fix" with whomever, whenever and however she needed to.

I mean it literally was....I'd leave her house, and before I got home to my house, she was online looking for a hookup.....and getting them. Went on for months....I never knew. Never suspected. This activity was always joined with consumption of alcohol. She would tell you in no uncertain terms she was as happy as could be and was in sheer bliss with me.....yet when I left.......

I'd often need to travel with work or so did she. I later learned that literally while you were talking on the phone about missing her......she was in the process of finding sex partners. She traveled to a job interview.....out of state....and I later discovered that she hit the local C/L ads and met multiple men as a result. Of course denying it all when asked and even when you present computer evidence that you KNOW is theirs.....only results in....How could you invade my privacy....rants. Just like alcohol addiction!!!!!

In the end it all (all reckless behaviors) stemmed from some underlying issues of self worth they face. If they turn to alcohol etc., you can label it addiction if you like. Either way what you are dealing with is something that causes them to set judgement and rational (to us) thinking aside, to pursue the compulsion, to fill the void. It becomes an ever deepening spiral. First its a minor stray from the norm.......to eventually they have to feed ever more to ever deepening hole. Doesn't matter how much they get, it won't be enough.

By the time my relationship was over with my ex, I became terrified of sex. And trust me coming from a guy like me....that was a journey I NEVER expected to be taking. The things she did, under the circumstances she did them, were enough to make you physically ill (well it did me anyway).
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Old 03-10-2016, 12:46 PM
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emilian.....it is obvious that your husband has a variety of issues, many of which seem clustered around self-image and impulse. and while they seem a package deal, i believe there is more than one base causality going on here. and he should be in an ongoing intensive therapy to help HIM deal with HIS issues.

regardless of the labels - addict, closet homosexual, sex deviant, or whatever else - those are things HE needs to address and deal with.

you now have a CHILD to raise. and you don't need any of this ****!!! you've put in your time TRYING to help him, TRYING to make things better, and it has you worn down and confused.

to address your first question, is HIS behavior standard addict behavior? if you mean does doing drugs MAKE some one post on C/L and DESIRE to be a submissive in a same-sex scenario while their wives are pregnant, then NO. however drugs CAN definitely loosen inhibitions and allow our darker selves to want or crave the odd, different, risky, exciting or freakish. it then becomes a matter of how FAR one chooses to take things.......

do you have access to counseling for YOU? not couples therapy, not marital counseling, sex therapy, or anything else but YOU time?? i think it's time to put on your hula hoop and worry only about what is inside of it.

Last edited by DesertEyes; 03-10-2016 at 01:09 PM. Reason: Removed foul language, there are children reading.
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Old 03-10-2016, 02:53 PM
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The deal with Craigslist and "humiliating" himself etc. by have sexual contact with a male sounds like a big, huge, quack to me. He says he was feeling so weak and gross and unmanly that he did this as a punishment to himself.
Interesting that he has that much introspection since most people don't have a freaking clue why they are attracted to or interested in certain things sexually. In other words, I doubt this explanation.

I do agree that someone have fantasies about same sex partners, or even having same sex experiences does not make that person gay. The question here is your partner has a history of sex being difficult with you, but apparently not when fantasizing about submissive sex with a man. I am not implying he is gay, I don't know. He may be. He may not be. He has issues though, and its above your pay grade to figure out what they are.

I would put all that to the side and focus on what you know to be true. Your partner cheated, and has submissive fantasies with men that he trolls on Craigslist. You need to figure out what YOU feel about this rather than what is motivating HIM to do it. We can spend years lost in psychoanalyzing the actions of a person and excusing their actions due to some "mental" explanation.

The one thing I can promise is this behavior is not due to an addiction. Addictions can lower inhibitions, but they don't create whats not already there.
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Old 03-10-2016, 03:57 PM
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^ I agree, Red. I spent years listening to drunk conversations, trying to understand, trying to just get it...I turned into a therapist and not a partner. Way too many years spent psychanalyzing when the fact was the "why" never mattered-it was just not ok, no matter what the reason! (Took me years to figure this out and detach!)
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Old 03-10-2016, 05:01 PM
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4 times a day sounds like a sex addiction. Always seeking gratification sounds like it goes with addictive behavior. It's repetitive behavior but is there a consequence being ignored, I'd say yes because he is jeopardizing the relationship.

The details and why sounds like a job for a specialist.

Focus on your new family.

Good Luck
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