Welcome to SR Gerlingerl and I am so very sorry for what you are suffering. Most of us here have experienced the excruciating pain you are experiencing. Losing a marriage requires a lot of grieving and it sounds like you are doing the hard work of feeling the pain which is the heart of grieving.
I hope you have a good support system and have at least tried a few Alanon meetings. Please take the best possible care of yourself: eat healthy, get some exercise, and stay hydrated. It will get better but it does take time.